So the whole facebook thing was getting a little tired, and required
some spicing up. Sure it's great for organising events and seeing
who's doing what, but does it really do more than just pull email,
flickr/picasa and youtube into one easier platform. Not really, and
the backlash has started in earnest; most companies are blocking it
and users are reducing their interest or unsubscribing totally. So a
little research project was started to see how much people monitor the
feeds, what they will react to and the extent of their gullibility.
So a second profile was created with a clear sanction to be my new
superhot girlfriend.
She had to be smoking hot, but obviously not someone too famous.
I went with Melissa Theurieau, she's a french newsreader, and fitted
the bill perfectly (to quote Ali G, "i most definitely would"). I'm
prepared to swap the William Webb Ellis trophy and Riaan Cruywagen for
her, the frogs must be well informed these days. A 'random scene'
picture was easily found. (of course now I digressed to other
newsreaders of note ).
I went with a name that was easy to prove the whole charade was a
joke. Gloria Stits (glorious tits) was born. Surprisingly only one
person(A) picked this up.
I let another person(B) in on the act, and she wanted to know how
Gloria could replace a tangible. Real-life girlfriend. The advantages
clearly outweigh the negatives if we peruse this list:
super hot (+)
doesn't waste my time when not required (+)
never nagged once (+)
I see her when I feel like it (+)
doesn't mind if I go out drinking with the boys (+)
never queries any of my actions (+)
writes nice things on my wall (+)
doesn't mind if I score other girls (+)
super hot (+)
I could go on, ad nauseum, but you get the point
now for the negatives
Not a good cook(-)
only told me jokes i already knew (-)
had a funny name, someone asked if she cleaned windows (-)
Of course (B) asked what it was like having a girlfriend where I
hardly got any action. Unless you're dating a nympho, it's normally
easier just to go to Tin Roof once a week round midnight. (as Standard
Bank would say: Simpler. Better. Faster.)
Like many girls, I did get bored with her, so I staged a messy
break-up. In facebook terms it was totally fugly. My wall was abused
beyond repair (that's a lie, I had to go delete the bad ones, like any
normal grieving boyfriend would). (E) sent me her commiserations (and
a personal comment on the tragedy of going from a romantic week-end to
full break-up in a matter of hours). I replied to her saying I
wouldn't miss her and she was a cow.
To keep it interesting, that night I scored Gloria's sister. I wanted
to call her Villuptia, but i thought that was pushing it a tad far.
I got a lot of high-fives from the boys for screwing around with my ex's sister.
In keeping with the week that was, of course I got back together with
Gloria the next day.
Then later the next week we got engaged (at about this time I seemed
to have lost all sense of respectability, and was going to milk it
till it dried up).
So what did she achieve in her three weeks of existence?
My last girlfriend removed me as a friend sometime (hard to confirm
that Gloria was responsible, but I'm sure she had a hand in it).
Had a few conversations with friends, (C ) was totally oblivious and
actually sent in a friend request to her. (D) luckily bluffed me into
revealing her identity eventually, but not after inviting Gloria to
his birthday party (tried in vain to hire an actress for the night).
What did we learn about facebook?
it takes a while before most people react to something
some people react to everything
some people monitor their notifications, and then approach you in real
life rather
a lot of boys like to see a player playing at the top of his game
it's ridiculous what you can sneak past some people
if you have to lie about anything, learn how to cover your tracks
So it's all out there now, who knows what backlash will come from the
realisation that i was fooling around....but if you think online
girlfriends are the way forward, look her up and 'add her to your
friends list' (she's a two bit slut who'll stop at nothing for some
cyber hanky panky)
if not and you want to improve your french, then I recommend a heavy dose of Melissa
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