Monday, January 28, 2008

Kindergarten Cop

So it's been a long day, I've been pushing off team leaders, bosses and other deadlines...perfect time to see how i match up against other bullies.

Do it, you never know

26

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

When billboards go left field

Every now and then I am forced from the cosy confines of the southern suburbs, and we have to deal with the riff raff from the rest of cape town. Luckily the M5's Koeberg interchange is not negotiated more than once a month. Put me in that twice a day and there'd be queue jumpers getting shot.

Anyway, so I noticed one of the huge billboards there before Christmas:
“TYGERLITSHA”

and that's it, nothing else. Odd how someone would pay for so much and overlook the fact that it doesn't make any sense.

The other day I swing by and they have taken it down (yay), and replaced it with:
“MANNENSTANTIA”
(aah).

After a bit of carefree investigation, I got to the bottom of it. It's run by the hacks at Goodhope FM, apparently their logo is actually on the billboard. The whole campaign is that they bring Cape Town together. Okee, if you must insist, but don't come crying when you win the most obtuse Loerie award. A hopskip to their site and you can even download their new Cape Town wallpaper.


I don't know who did the shortlist, but I would have had the Muizenberg bathing houses in, and the Tampon Towers out.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

In Zuma we trust

Before you laugh/cry and Alt + F4 in disgust, I'd like to point out that we're referring to Sibusizo Zuma here (no relation to JZ). He's the peroxided striker that could be key to us gaining anything from Ghana. The bi-ennial (that's every two years, you uneducated filth) Africa's Cup of Nations kicked off on Sunday in Ghana, and our boys need all the help they can get. The other thing that happens every two years is everyone asking for the damn tournament to be held in the off-season, but the CAF boys like to piss the rest of the rich world off.

There's a Zulu on the p-spot

To put it mildly, we're up against it. Recent results have not been good, we've slid down to 78 on the rankings and our only player who comes close to world class is not even there. Benni McCarthy makes Herschelle look as dependable as a pop-up toaster. When he's good he's amazing, but he's just so good at hitting low points. Parreira raised the eyebrows by not picking him, but then Mark Hughes did the same at club level to show how kak last year's second highest goalscorer in the premiership is really playing.

So we're in group D – FIFA has us as the lowest ranked team, but lets have a look see at what's going on:
Match 1, Wed 23 vs Angola, 9:30pm SA time.
One would think that after blowing them to pieces during the 80's we'd steamroll our northern buddies. They impressed the sceptics in Germany 2006, we weren't even there. If we don't at least come away with a point here, you can say bye bye Ghana, and maybe even Adios Carlos Alberta.

Match 2, Sun 27 vs Tunisia, 9:30pm SA time.
They've won it in recent times and are always good at club level. If we play well, it could be a close game.

Match 3, Thurs 31 vs Senegal, 7pm SA time.
Anyone who remembers Japan/Korea 2002 world cup knows that they're no lightweights. If we still have a chance by this stage then this could be a thriller. It might even distract me from Vensters.

From then it's two steps to the cup. Wildly pointing a finger at the Eto'o Cameroon or holders Egypt Semi and a Drogba Ivory Coast or a Essien Ghana final, but this is Africa and the unexpected is always expected.

bafana bafana

Games should be on SABC1, audible commentary on Radio2000. There's normally about a 3 second latency, so if we score on the radio switch immediately to TV audio for the LADUUUUUUUUUUUUMA! All assuming you've checked the load shedding schedule first.

One could be accused of being mildly unpatriotric, but a realist will always point to the bad form that's dogged a wildly unexciting tenure for our million dollar Brazilian. If he can get captain Mokoena to hold it steady at the back, then our star playmaker Steven Pienaar could supply the bullets to Zuma's machine gun. Umshini Wam!

now you can laugh/cry and Alt + F4 in disgust

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Some handy positions not found in Kama sutra v1.0

 Okay now faithful readers, bare with me hear as we do some hand origami.
 
Position one:
Curl your thumb and forefinger into a C-shape, and face it forward as if grabbing an imaginary horizontal pole, the rest of your fingers should follow the forefinger. Now straighten the curve on thumb and the group of fingers, so there is a proper 'V' between thumb and forefinger if viewed from the side.


Position two:
Otherwise known as the 'Texan Longhorn salute'. Make a fist and hold it in front of you, palm down. Extend your forefinger and pinkie finger, whilst the other three digits remain in the fist, thumb tucked around your middle finger.


Position three:
Take your right hand and do the V 'victory' sign. Now turn it completely downwards; your forefinger and middle finger should be pointing to the ground.


Practice these three positions, once you have mastered them well enough it will be clear that you can proceed straight to the finishing positions.
 
Learn them.


Learn them well, they are your friends.






This is just a gap so you don't rush down and read the end, remind yourself to wash your car tonight, scrub with the left and practice the positions with your right hand.












Like all friends they have names, not numbers like i have explained them here.

Position One is really called Crocodile.
Position Two is really called Sting Ray.
Position Three is really called Steve Irwin.
 
 

Crocodile beats Sting Ray beats Steve Irwin which of course beats Crocodile.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Can I have my beach back, please??

So the first of the first is always carnage. Luckily it's just one day, but the broken bottles do sit on the streets and pavements for a while. I thought of bastardizing Mzoli's into Muizies somehow, but I quickly realised that preppy dressed sunday boozers in GTi's have nothing to do with mama themba swimming in her undies.

Phone camera pics I apologize for, but you get the point.

East beach is severely overrun


Doef Doef


Party like it's 1994

Monday, January 07, 2008

Let's call a spade a spade

So somehow the damn aussies managed to win the bloody second test. With 12 balls left, india still had three wickets in hand to bat out for the draw. Michael Clarke, with a grand total of 20 test wickets to his name manages to take all three in the penultimate over.

But the big story is Harbajan getting banned for three games for calling Andrew 'Roy' Symonds a monkey.

It's not even the first time either.

But hey, one can decide for oneself really

Bananas anyone?

Friday, January 04, 2008

Robbie Hunter is going to look like a tool

So Barlowworld are in for another big year, they've retained Hunter, Soler and even aqcuired Baden Cooke (gonna be tough supporting an aussie) and some italian sprinter called spaghetti.

They're not a Pro Tour team yet,as these things only get updated every three years or so, and somehow Astana and old T-Mobile's licence hasn't been handed to our boys. But they'll still do the big events, and should get invites to giro and le tour.

The one thing that they've really screwed up is changing bikes to Bianchi. Bianchi bikes are well known for their 'celeste' colour, and but no one is budging with the barlowworld red/blue horrible clash. Imagine what it'll look like with the kit as well. The only positive is a possible green for Robbie

Foei Tog!

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Partycab???

So back in the day i used to be a pro bike rider in Vancouver..doing this:


Of course I thought about bringing it to Cape Town...for about a millisecond, it just won't work as the traffic will not allow it..oh well, good luck.

******************************************************

A Cape Town entrepreneur has launched a new way to get around the city that is fun, cheap and has a minimal carbon footprint.

Chris Swanepoel, 45, of Durbanville, the man behind the city's new Bike Taxi Service, already provides daily tours around the Waterfront and city centre - but avoids steep hills.

Swanepoel has six cycle rickshaws, which are made up of 18-speed bicycles pulling a small two-seater carriage.

'The trend now is green, environmentally friendly transport'
Swanepoel said the idea for cycle rickshaws came to him four months ago during a visit to a gardening centre. "I saw this old rusty bicycle and the concept just came to me."

He believes the service could also play a role in reducing traffic problems during the 2010 World Cup. "With all the traffic congestion problems, and with 2010 in mind, I thought it was a great idea."

However, before Swanepoel, who is an accredited tour guide for the Western Cape, took to the roads he researched bicycle travel and took his bicycle taxi on a trial run in the city.

"I wanted to see motorists' attitudes towards the bicycle taxi and what would be the best speed for me to travel."

Safety is also a high priority. "I'm going to get some sort of disposable helmet for the passengers," he said.

A welding company in Brackenfell is putting the cycles and the carriages together, and he aims to have 20 bicycle taxis completed by September.

Swanepoel has been operating from the V&A Waterfront for three weeks and said he had been receiving positive responses from motorists and pedestrians alike.

"Besides the customers who walk by and decide to take a ride, a few guest houses in the city have called me to arrange something for their clients.

"My goal is for hotels in the city to rent the bicycles, which can then provide transport for guests. However, I also plan for the cyclists to be trained as tour guides so they can tell their passengers about the city."

He charges R20 per trip.

Although he has paid for the construction of most of the bicycle taxis, his first one was sponsored by a friend, Margaret Stewart.

"The trend now is green, environmentally friendly transport, and we also have 2010 coming up, so the timing is perfect," she said.

Swanepoel added: "This is just a fun, healthy experience and people really enjoy it."