The Deep South Diaries

The diaries are sold!

2008-09-09T09:13:00.001+02:00

Ardent fans will have noticed that things have been quiet here recently. We can put all minds at rest, the office did not sink under the cape winter storm surge. We do sometimes run a mobile office, so yes it can be located upstairs at the Bell, or downstairs at Polana (more on that later).

Anyways, we have been in Switzerland doing some press doomsday avoiudance work for Fritz Sonnentsberg, head of CERN. As you might be aware, they are finally pushing the big green button on the LHC. Someone needs to control the hippies and bible bashers.

The big news out of the trip is that we had a meeting with Sheik Al Bhandi, owner of ZAIN telecoms. The Deep South Diaries have been sold to his company as they prepare to roll out their attack on MTN. The figure can not be confirmed as its still being rubber stamped in sand land, but I can vouch that its more than Kirsty Coventry gets from Bob.

They have big plans for the site, and hope to use it as a vehicle for their False Bay camel racing series. Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately due to restraint of trade we can only report on rock music, hippies and parties. Never fear, keep an eye out here and you'll see what's coming next from the team.

ps. thirsty capetonians are in for some confusing drinking down south this summer. is it the polana in kalk bay, or the paulaner in kalk bay?phonetically iDENTical, but world's apart. the new Brauhaus is due a visit soon.

world's greatest bike thief...caught!

2008-08-27T08:50:00.000+02:00

dunno how no-one noticed
***************

Canadian police have caught the man believed to be the world's most prolific bike thief, after they recovered 2,865 stolen bicycles from the owner of a Toronto bike shop.

Ever since Igor Kenk was arrested last month, some 15,000 Torontonians have visited the police station garage where his swag was taken, hoping to pick out their own bikes among the vast collection. A surprisingly large number of them have been lucky: Toronto police told the Guardian yesterday that so far about 500 people had been reunited with their bicycles.

Kenk, 49, who owned a crammed shop called the Bicycle Clinic, is currently out on CAN$275,000 bail (£142,000), awaiting trial in September on 58 charges of theft, attempted theft, possession of stolen goods and possession of burglary tools.

Kenk was arrested on July 18, when Toronto police, noticing that bike theft had spiked sharply in June, planted bicycles on the streets and watched to see who stole them. As plain clothes officers hid in wait, Kenk and another man walked past. Kenk seemed to tell his companion to cut the locks on two bikes, which he did, before the pair attempted to pedal away.

When police raided the Bicycle Clinic, the shop was so jam-packed that the fire service had to remove the upper-floor windows and lower the bikes out by rope. Later, 200 more bikes were seized in Kenk's home, along with large quantities of drugs, in a smart neighbourhood in Toronto. Ten landlords around the city also reported that they had rented garages to Kenk, which were chock-full of bikes.

Though Kenk's motive is currently unclear, the New York Times reported that police believe he may have been playing the commodities markets, waiting for another spike in metal prices before melting down the bicycles.

Gremlins

2008-08-26T08:41:00.002+02:00

we had a hacker of sorts. some security measures went on the blink.

but lots of odd things happened, even Dave's 'THE SYSTEM' went on the blink at Grandwest. Maybe it only works up the west coast?

meanwhile things are happening on the water with the annual tea baron streetfight:

lipton cup

official spoof site

phelps vs cavic - update

2008-08-21T08:26:00.003+02:00

so it turns out Cavic never protested, it was his swimming union. and like a bunch of fools they only showed half the evidence. from the rest it appears that phelps just got there amazingly!

of course there are like a 100 videos of it already, this one is actually more like a powerpoint so shouldn't get pulled:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGyUD4W9VjI

this one should stay, it's already been rickrolled

go look google rickrolling if you don't know about it!

and in the greatest olympic moment, i bring you eric the eel

Silver and Gold

2008-08-20T08:58:00.003+02:00

good people around the world would know that as Track 8 on U2's 1988 album, Rattle and Hum. it was an anti apartheid song,but for two weeks in august every four years it means something else.

So the phelpster won 8 golds. he got frikken lucky with #2, where Jason Lezak overhauled a massive deficit on a top 100m swimmer, alain bernard on the final lap.

then the seventh one, phelpster pulled back another lead to win the 100m butterfly by 1 hundredth of a second.

or did he?
pictures tell a thousand words.

so is this another did they really land on the moon conspiracy?fishy thing is Phelps is sponsored by the official timkeepers Omega

more here www.001ofasecond.com
and from Cavic himself

my blood are green

2008-08-12T11:02:00.003+02:00

you might not have noticed it, but we lost the trinations last week-end. Yes we were playing 'los pumas' who aren't in the competition, yet.

The problem is this - schedule of three consecutive matches:
NZ 0
Aus 1
Sa 2

then our greedy bonehead administrators go and throw in another match so we now play 4 in a row. fools, we're world champs despite them.

Anyway, the big crunch game is really this week-end, we normally have the hold on oz over here. If you haven't got your tickets, good luck. My bet would be to go here:
http://www.zafanzone.co.za/101.html

of course that's an artists impression, as its a construction site right now.

Ramble scouting #1

2008-08-11T11:26:00.003+02:00

so it's back on the menu:http://muizies.blogspot.com/2007/09/looong-week-end-ahead.html

the Backgarden Ramble 2008, with a extension to five days. book 20/21 september. details to follow

did some recce on the route yesterday, what a fine fine time it was.

Beijing #1

2008-08-08T08:43:00.002+02:00

So the opening ceremony gets going today and then its sports madness for two weeks.

It's always interesting looking at the make-up of our squad, due to all the politics that go with it.

So lets talk about the biggest joke i can see.

Amateur boxing, probably the third biggest sport in the country after soccer and athletics.

Jackson Chauke (51kg Flyweight) - Profile | Schedule

1 dude. I reckon boxing south africa must be a bunch of incompetent buffoons.

then you compare it to something like, fencing: Putting up electric wires around houses - big in south africa. swordfighting in gymhalls? she not very beeg.

so how big is the fencing team?

Jyoti Chetty (Women, Sabre) - Profile | Schedule
Adele Du Plooy (Women Sabre) - Profile | Schedule
Elvira Wood (Women Sabre) - Profile | Schedule
Michael Wood (Men's Epee) - Profile | Schedule
Dario Torrente (Men's Epee) - Profile | Schedule
Sello Maduma (Men's Epee) - Profile | Schedule

WTF?

if that attachment comes through, you can see that someone here is sucking cock at SASCOC, and they all have Sello to thank. I bet the Woods are married and couldn't afford a honeymoon. Dario is 42, our oldest dude the olympcs.

case of beer says none of them even make it past the first round.

fourth is last

2008-08-07T11:58:00.006+02:00

So, just got the news from Sascoc. despite many behind closed door meetings, i will not be the last minute inclusion to the olympic squad. i blame Bhutana.

Will just keep the chin up, and start planning for London 2012. meanwhile lets be proudly seffrican and see what's on the menu?

once again, the aussies will make us cry with their medal haul. i got lazy and ctrl c ctrl v the spiel from sport.iafrica.com. don't think they complain as it wasn't even proofred. yes it is GODFREY!

Lords of the Rings
Article By: Rob PetersMon, 04 Aug 2008 22:47
With the Beijing Olympics kicking off this weekend, we list South Africa’s top medal contenders at the Summer Games! And, as expected, all eyes will again be on the pool this year.

SWIMMING

Team South Africa has generally done the best in the pool and we expect 2008 to be no different with a number of swimmers capable of a medal in the pool.

Roland Schoeman:

South Africa’s most successful swimmer at Athens four years ago, Schoeman continues to build on his success with a number of world records to his name. Schoeman can be expected to lead the charge in the swimming again this year.

Men's 4x100 freestyle team (Roland Schoeman, Ryk Neethling, Lyndon Ferns and Gideon Louw): The team stunned the world when they won gold in Athens, and while they have not shown the same world-beating form since then, there form of late has shown improvement with fourth place at the world champs. Gideon Louw has replaced Darian Townsend in the team from Athens and we are picking the boys for a podium finish.

Suzaan van Biljon: After a strong showing at the World Short Course Champs this year — a gold in and bronze in the 200m and 100m breaststroke respectively — the young swimmer is definitely one to keep an eye on in Beijing.

Gerhard Zandberg: The captain of the swimming team has shown his pedigree with a gold at the world champs in 2007 — one of only two for SA at the event — and will be determined to build on that performance at the Olympics this year. Zandberg will be competing in the 100m and 50m freestyle as well as the 50m backstroke and is a strong contender in all the events.

Natalie du Toit: Some might consider Du Toit happy with just qualifying for the able-bodies Games this year, but the driven young swimmer will be a realistic chance for a medal in the 10km open-water swim after finishing fourth at the world champs in Spain this year, thus earning her qualification. And if anybody can beat the odds, it is Natalie…

CYCLING

Team SA has two surprise contenders for medals in the cycling this year and both riders are seen as very realistic hopes of standing atop the podium come race-day.

Sifiso Nhlapo: Young BMX rider Nhlapo has been burning up the track lately, qualifying for Beijing with a third place at the world champs earlier this year. He has consistently been finishing on the podium during the series and has to be seen as a strong challenger at the Games.

Burry Stander: MTB star Burry Stander has been dominating the U23 World Cup, but it was his silver medal in the open event at the World Cup race in Andorra this year that made everybody sit up and take notice. Finishing behind current world champion Cristoff Sauser, Stander showed he has the ability to challenge the top racers and now finds himself a serious challenger in Beijing.

TRACK AND FIELD:

South Africa’s hopes in the track and field events are certainly not looking as good as previous Olympics, but we do have some challengers for medals.

Mbulaeni Mulaudzi: An Olympic silver medalist in 2004, Mulaudzi is back on track to challenge for a podium spot in 2008 after a strong showing at the Herculis Super Grand Prix meeting in July this year. The 800m star ran his fourth fastest time at the event, finishing in third place, and setting himself up well for Beijing.

Godfrey Mokoena (check up on first name) Long-jumping hopeful Mokoena has not been living up to his potential of late, but he regularly jumps over eight metres and on a good day he is one of the best in the world. He reportedly had a falling out with his coach – just a month before the Games – which is worrying, but he is still one to watch.

ROWING:

Ramon di Clemente and Shaun Keeling: Top SA Olympian Ramon Di Clemente and his new partner Shaun Keeling have been in fantastic form ahead of Beijing. Winning bronze at the World Cup in Poland and then winning the Henley Royal Regatta on the River Thames in July, the pairing have gelled fantastically well together. So expect the pair to pose a formidable challenge in Beijing.

CANOEING

Shaun Rubenstein: Before his Beijing qualification, Rubenstein was primarily a marathon contender, his decision to focus on the sprints was made with the Olympics in mind. And while he may not have had a breakthrough success in the discipline as of yet, he is knocking at the door with a couple of fourth-place finishes at World Cup events. The races are also incredibly close in the canoeing sprints and Rubenstein has a very good chance of a medal.

King Roger steps off the throne

2008-08-01T11:14:00.002+02:00

This time last year it was unimaginable. He'd just won one of the greatest Wimbledon finals in a five setter and still had a good handle on the improving youngster who took him that far. We looked at it then

It looks like the reign of Roger Federer as the worlds No.1 player is over, for now. He's had a disastrous year by his standards. Normally he only loses the French Open final, this year he hasn't even won a grandslam yet.

He lost in the third round to Croatia's Ivo Karlovic despite holding all service games. If Nadal wins the tournament, then the 235 week run at the top is over. He's still young 26 and to be honest should have a longer career than 22 year old Nadal, who's body has to breakdown the way he plays.

Of course the Olympic Games and US Open are ideal places to bounce back from, but it's going to be really interesting to see if this is a blip in form or a genuine handover.

Don't forget about Australian Open champion Djokavic throwing a spanner in the works too. Rafa has to get past him in the tournament first.

how to fool security

2008-07-31T10:32:00.003+02:00

So the security guys know me pretty damn well now. Come to work everyday for many moons and the faces become rather familiar. They feel for me when i pop in over the week-ends to get stuff done and dig it that i ride to work fairly often too.

Clearly some suit in an office above me sent out a directive, because now we all get checked for our access cards on arrival. Remember we're military stuff here, so it's supposed to be top secret, 'no unauthorised access' to get in the buildings anyway. So I walk through the gate and Joshua holds out his hand as if he's got an access card between his thumb and forefinger. It's an obvious way to say, 'show me your card, please'.

(it'll be much easier if you think about guys trying to tell stories about the size of fish they caught right here). This morning I took both hands and held them a foot apart, and said:
“hayi, madoda. wena makhwenkhwe, Joshua?” and i then changed my hand to 'holding the access card' and pointed at him.

Sello and Piet (the other two guards at the gate) just canned themselves. I walked straight past with them not noticing that i'd left my card at home.

Some of the whiteys out there might need an explanation, but i hold no responsibility to the accuracy of these facts:
madoda – post initation, ie. A Man who has come of age
makhwenkhwe – pre initiation, ie still a boy. If a Xhosa male does not go through his initiation ritual, then he can still be considered a makhwenkwe, no matter what the age.

It's a great way to get rid of the car guards, but doesn't seem to work on the Congolese dudes.

Elgin, we have a problem

RTD wishlist

2008-07-29T10:15:00.003+02:00

So you might have noticed that I got found by these guys pretty damn quickly after I posted this. Not sure what they do all day, is google really watching me?

snapshot of carbon neutrality from my bike

Anyway, it seems like they're listening and they take their CARBON NEUTRAL (just put that in so it lights up their search engine) pretty seriously. Yes, you can save the planet by selling hemp t-shirts. Yes, three thousand people driving 100km will be offset by a grove of olive trees IF you recycle their waste. BIOdiesel is apparently not hogwash. ok, sure i believe you.

But whilst i have their attention, for what it's worth lets get that varied wishlist in:
KidofDoom
Perez Perez Perez
Harris Tweed
Karen Zoid
Dan Patlansky
Japan and I

and locals
Jacsharp (saw em last year for the first time)
Delta Blue (they still around?)
Valiant Swart
Boulevard Blues
Tait

and for the comedy slot, those 12th Avenue clowns

That's all for now, and if you hippies care I rode to work today.

l8test technology

2008-07-28T10:17:00.003+02:00

So the one bonus about working in a hitech firm is that I get to see the next way the spietkops scnhaai us with speeding fines and cameras.

And no, I don't get exemption from paying them (but do have one outstanding - who shot the sheriff?).

Now this vehicle has been driving around our parking lot. The three cameras read the licence plates and checks them on a database realtime. Then they clamp you if you're an offender.

oh, and it has a killer sound system too.

The floral mystery, parth three

2008-07-22T13:28:00.005+02:00

ok, so the first time I got in for free, so it was acceptable. But they pushed it last year, and i feel silly for going back for more!

The first music festival to actually work in cape town, is back!
Rocking the daisies - my gripe is that i still have yet to see any daisies there. this year its 3-5 oct, and again at Cloof wine estate

You won't find any band lineups there, but I'm on the inside, so will give you the prelim list:
ALAN FUNK, ETC CREW, DIRTY SKIRTS, NUNGARIN, BED ON BRICKS, AMA AMBUSH, AKING, FIRE THROUGH THE WINDOW, SON OF A THOUSAND BLUES, TAXI VIOLENCE, JULIA JAKOBSEN, TIDAL WAVES, HOT WATER, GOLDFISH, 7th SON, NAPALMA, UNIT R, NEW LOUD ROCKETS, MAMA KNOW NOTHING, SPOONFEEDAS, PLUSH, GODESSA, KOLO NOVO MOVIE BAND, 340ML, FARRYL PURKISS.

maybe there's some up country stuff to be added later too.

unfortunately it puts me in a quandry of sorts, as I'll miss out on both Lourensford MTB Classic and the Voet Marathon. But it's an easy choice, gotta go find that tent of mine.

the do try push the whole green earth bullsh1t thing, even going so far as claiming a 'carbon neutral' festival. 3000people driving 100km to go watch some bands? last year they gave us hemp tickets (and a paper receipt) and some hippie with grey hair planted a few olives. erm, can we listen to the band please? shot.

Allez allez

2008-07-22T13:02:00.003+02:00

ok, so i'm going to be sick tomorrow afternoon. I'm pretty healthy, (despite the few cuts and scrapes on knee and elbow from a loss of concentration over the week-end, tar hurts!) but sometimes you need to make an excuse to get out the office to do something more important.

the road goes up there

Mine is to watch the biggest showdown on bikes we'll see in a longtime - the slog up Alp D'huez. It's a mythical climb and every cyclist wants to win this stage. It goes up three monster mountains.

Col du Galibier, Croix-de-Fer and L’Alpe d’Huez that are among the most daunting climbs in the Alps. This stage could well decide the final outcome of the race because the riders will have been in the saddle six hours before coming to final ascent. The 13.3km, 21-turn climb to the finish at L’Alpe d’Huez (population 1,700) is a classic, averaging 8.6 percent, with the second kilometer the steepest at 11.2 percent.

ouch, i think suikerbossie has only 15% of that altitude gain. no need to worry about the whole drug story thing, none of these guys are on pronutro

A thousand words

2008-07-18T12:32:00.001+02:00

ok, so i don't have the permission to use this photo. It's well rather,........ I 'll just shut up and now and you decide.

my friend gus

Yes Tim, you have a problem

2008-07-17T17:07:00.004+02:00

Well if you go to the right side of this screen you might see a link to my pal Tim. Don't bother following that link(and improve his analytics from single digit hits), he hasn't posted anything for 2 months and is rumoured to be:
a)dead
b)working on a mine in frozen northern canada.

personally that's a tough choice right there, innit?!

anyway, he's proud of his Salomon shoe collection, so proud he even wrote about them
here. {F@#k there i go and quadruple his ratings with that link}

naaaice

Anyway, i laugh at his k@k collection. My Salomon shoes are way cooler than yours Biltong boy. That's a pair of snowclogs on the left, best shoes for snow walking.I'm not just saying that, they frikken rock, and I'm standing whilst everyone else has slipped all over their nana's. In the middle you have my snowboard boots, and on the right, the inners (i did that to make it look like three pairs...sneaky)

as you can imagine, i think Tim's collection do more km's than mine

hi tech biking

2008-07-16T08:22:00.003+02:00

next time you play poker look at the back of your card whilst small blind is weighing up his 7-2 unsuited. See how little the bicycle has really changed in 100 years (if you not playing with bicycle cards, then tell the host not to f@#k around next time).

of course there have been some huge advances over the years, and it looks like we might be facing the next one. It's been toyed with over the years, but just like flat screen tv's it seems to have been done right.

looks normal?

I'm talking about electronic shifting, i'm sure the suits at Shimano will call it "ride by wire" (because E-dura-ace is just too kak).
The big thing is that they are actually using it at the Tour.

and the back

will it work? well the one guy did get stuck in his 53-14 gear ratio the other day and they had to give him another bike!maybe the batteries were low. it'll be a fair while till we see these in your LBS

Check it out
here
and here

more muizies than the soopertube

2008-07-15T16:20:00.002+02:00

so there's been some moaning about the recent lack of deep south content. It's winter for pete's sake (incidentally ideal surfing time).

So I'm gonna show you the latest surfboard to be born into the house. We've got some dutchies right now, and they are now into the whole surf vibe solid, i skeem. Three new custom boards, and this is the latest - what a beauty:

of course the irony it's a shortboard, which won't see much of muizies rollers but that's mere details.

currently doing its sea trials at J-Bay - naaaice!

Snow business like snow business

2008-07-14T10:13:00.004+02:00

So we ran away from the sea, and strapped on a board of a different type.

ski bums

unfortunately the camera and me, did not spend the whole day together, but it's hard to take photos of powder anyway. yes pow pow pow.

Gav on the bunny slope

unfortunately there's a snowboarders/skiiers stand off and we couldn't use the lift. You EARN your turns when you hiking, lets just not tell physio why i am so sore today!

of course the location is top secret (thanks racerchicky), and requires some serious driving skills to get there. {anyone know if the 'diff lock' button in the isuzu bakkie is active or passive?)

bizarre problemo

2008-07-09T09:29:00.001+02:00

so knysna hippie girl sms's me the other night really late.

'i just won a sheep, what do you do with a whole sheep?!'

well like duh, SPITBRAAI!

It appears she is actually in Knysna, and this is what they give out in nightclubs instead of drink specials. So all we really need is a bakkie coming home from the forest marathon this weekend. Anyone?

That's much cooler than slagging the thing there and putting it into mulitple coolboxes.

--
__/\/¯¯¯¯¯¯\/\__
No sympathy for the tubed

and we're back!

2008-07-08T15:31:00.003+02:00

and running two blogs, for now!

yip, the race was awesome, so plenty of material there still to get out.

otherwise check out this bad business. the whole olympic sailing venue has been hit by the green glob....some algae crap that even the army has been called in to clean up!

Moblog

2008-06-07T19:08:00.001+02:00

testing 123

--
__/\/¯¯¯¯¯¯\/\__
No sympathy for the tubed

the future is two wheeled

2008-06-06T14:05:00.003+02:00

Things are going to be very quiet here soon.

aahhhh

because they are going to be noisier elsewhere.

yay

but we won't be in muizies

aaaah

but rather on a bike,

yay

racing across the country

yay

blogging a trail the whole way (network dependant!)

more here

just a teaser, here's my pool table right now!

a whole lotta box

Nonthuthulezo the Princess

2008-06-04T12:40:00.001+02:00

So we've sat on the fence with this whole ~~Zeno~~ Xenophobia thing. Awesome news just in is that the Sandvlei caravan park is being primed for the next refugee camp. This is mainly due to the Community Centres that are currently housing the 7000 homeless have mostly been booked for weddings with non-refundable deposits. I saw the 6 marquees go up on Friday, but they are still empty. Must remember to get the Lauren Hill and Wyclif Jean cd's out the box.

So when I had the weekly chit chat with my domestic, I had to ask how things were in her area.

Me: have there been any problems close to home?

Princess: No it's fine, we have a nice community. But it's terrible, that our people can be so selfish.

M: I know.

P: It's really sad for me to see it, how people can forget that only 30 years ago they all came from the Transkei and did the same thing. They're really selfish and I'm embarrassed.

Bless her soul, she's an absolute star.

More Top brands at bargain prices

2008-06-02T16:29:00.002+02:00

So the folks up at North Sails know their stuff. We don't have space to list all the things they won, but they won it all (more or less). And when they try their hand at other things it's good. Like their North windsurf range (the entire thing is available to view on snailman's garage). I hear their kite stuff is top notch too.

fashionista grey

So when you can get your hand on some of their accessories, it's unlikely to end in disappointment. Even if it is a pair of their woolly gloves going for a mere twenty. Don't know how well they'll handle the saltwater, but the shop assistant at Pep said they would.

The Fire Sale

2008-06-02T16:26:00.003+02:00

It's probably considered a disease because I'm not the only one with it. And i got a real bad case too.

Firesales - just can't avoid them. The CapeStorm one is legendry, and the firstAscent one did not disappoint either. So very kak news in that muizies' Bike Store, the Bike Haven has had to close, for now. Justin Berry is a very cool guy, but they been robbed 3 times in the very recent history. This despite the fact that the copshop is just the other side of the field.

Sitting Ducks

So in a bid to avoid bankruptcy and clear some stock, they had a daylight robbery sale. After punishing my Wellgo SPD pedals for nigh on 7 years, I opted to stick with the brand. I haven't been overly impressed, so was in a real quandry on Saturday. Go for Crank Bros Candy C's or a Ritchey SPD set? At below cost? Well even my fast disappearing budget wanted 'em both, so we'll see which set gets the nod.

Africa is not a continent for sissies

2008-05-29T12:54:00.003+02:00

The call was made for a ‘no poefdes’ week-end, and we had a grand total of four pitching in.

The program was simple to say the least. Wake up early and drive to McGregor, get on bikes and ride to Rawsonville.

local signage

Meanwhile, the car gets there and two fly fishermen jump out and get some trout for a lekker fishbraai.

kak campsite

The ride was awesome, nothing like touring through rough country on old wagon trails with a dodgy map for 9 hours. It was entertaining to see that Brandvlei prison looks more like a country club (we rode straight through it, hardly anyone around).

just chillin'

We pulled into Trouthaven after dark, to find that the boys had indeed caught fish, but it was a catch and release river. Tuna pasta demolished next to a roaring fire.

nice and peaceful

Next day we headed up valley in the car and tried to hike out of the kloof. Stettynskloof is not for moffies, and we got our asses kicked. Silly us thought we were actually ahead of schedule, but then the path just disappeared and it was bundu of Voortrekker proportions, and we turned back to the cars still about two hours hack to the nek. I left some blood there, but will be taking revenge in early July.

here be dragons

who's the boss of number 2?

2008-05-29T08:37:00.002+02:00

space:the final frontier.

it must be tough living it up in the international space station. especially when your russian built crapper packs up.

Washington - The International Space Station's lone toilet is broken, leaving the crew with almost nowhere to go. So Nasa may order an in-orbit plumbing-service call when the space shuttle Discovery visits next week.

Until then, the three-man crew will have to make do with a jury-rigged system when they need to urinate.

While one of the crew was using the Russian-made toilet last week, the motor fan stopped working, said Nasa. Since then, the liquid waste-gathering part of the toilet has been working intermittently. Fortunately, the solid waste-collecting part is functioning normally.

Russian officials do not know the cause of the problem and the crew has been unable to fix it. They are now using a bag system

wonder which one they use, after the Hindunaut serves up his dish of freeze dried curry

The Homegrown Onion

2008-05-22T10:37:00.002+02:00

The easiest job in the country?

Got to be Zapiro, as all his material is just dished up by public figures day in day out. Now if only they could get JZ to actually draw too, then they'd be properly waxed.

If you've ever spent any time in Oz, Canada, Denmark etc. you'll understand how boring boring news can be. Yay, flippie the donkey gets a new home and other such headline grabbers.

So some clever guys took the real news, and gave it a bit of spin. Enter the worlds top satire site - The Onion.

It had to happen, it was so blinking obvious that it would work here. The bonus is that half the articles won't even need to be spiced up. Thanks phil for pointing my browser at HAYIBO

The most hardcore man on the planet

2008-05-21T16:27:00.002+02:00

no surprises, is an ex-Matie.

Mike Horn, what a legend. He makes that Kingsley Holgate adventurer/buffoon look like a fat slob (no surprises there actually). First man to Hydrospeed the Amazon, after paragliding off Aconcagua to get there. what a legend.

Anyway, whilst waiting to secure the funding for his first man to swim round the moon project, he's gonna just go round the world again on his own steam.

Check the press release for Project Pangea

or just read this:
One of the most remarkable voyages of exploration ever undertaken — a four-year trans-navigation of the globe by sea and by land — is launched by South African adventurer-explorer Mike Horn, in the presence of HSH Prince Albert of Monaco.
Among the guests present at the launch in Monaco to support this groundbreaking environmental initiative was Mrs Gaynor Rupert, wife of Mr Johann Rupert, Executive Chairman of Richemont SA , who has agreed to be the ‘Godmother’ of Pangaea.
The expedition, named ‘Pangaea’ after the supercontinent that existed 250-million years ago (and an acronym for his Pan Global Adventure for Environmental Action), will cover 100 000 kilometres, reaching the North and South Poles and crossing all the continents and the oceans. His mission is to unite the continents again through the Young Explorers Program, with a powerful environmental message, to share his knowledge and to initiate environmental solutions for future generations.
The baptism in Monaco begins a four-month road show that will take Pangaea from Monaco to Barcelona, Hamburg, Iceland and London, ending in Lorient.
The Pangaea Expedition begins on 9 October when Mike Horn sets sail from Punta Arenas in Chile on the first stage of his epic journey to Antarctica, where Horn will trek to the South Pole. Then his route will take him through Australasia, China, Russia, to the North Pole, then across Greenland, North and South America and back to Punta Arenas.

what a legend

The stupor 14

2008-05-19T16:28:00.003+02:00

go BRYAN
So when odd one got the fourth try that effectively bumped the Stormers down to fifth and semifinal wilderness, it was time to go sort out the braai and murder that bottle of red that was looking so cheeky. Of course they had really put the Stormers out of their misery as a trip to Christchurch without Schalk was the best case scenario.

Now in the spirit of national pride I should be lauding the impressive display from the tjaaks, but unfortunately that is a bridge too far to cross for me. I do feel for Kanko, who's been outstanding all year and even Jake agrees that he should have been there with the 8 on his back in Paris and not that Danie like to play rugby bonehead we had.

So why the anti Natal stance, you say? The easy answer is that I was a fan of the Banana Boys until I met their supporters at varsity. As unbiased as a bowling ball, its just not worth your time talking rugby with them. But there are other reasons why we'll be giving a hoohaa to the 'Tahs come Saturday.
***They really do whine. Still moaning about that away loss to the Brumbies where the ref cocked it up. Well lets go to Round 2, where they needed the touch judge to remove Schalk from the field before sneaking in by 2 points.

***They still whine about last year's final, where they blame the ref when they could have just kicked the ball out.

***They have been playing really crap all year. They click for two weeks and all of a sudden they're championship material.

***Ajventer.com - it's down (thank god), but the salt has got to him (and looks like Frans is going the same way)
***Their ability to f#$% talented players up. Gaffie, Brent Russel come to mind first, let's hope they don't do the same to Frans Steyn.

***They go on and on about how their academy discovers and nurtures the best players. Offering a kid playing for Grey Bloem 1st XV a contract is hardly talent scouting of the highest order.

***Barrit, Murray, BJ Botha are the only locals who get any game time, the rest come from Free State and other areas.

Enough for now, you'll know why I cringe whenever I see a CA number plate with that dumb sharkie sticker on the car. Love them or fear them? Surely there's a third option.

The good fetcher

2008-05-16T08:22:00.001+02:00

So the super14 is indeed hotting up with the closest run in to the semis ever. Just the crusaders guaranteed of a play-off spot, and the canes, ‘tahs, stormers, sharks, blues and chiefs scrapping it out for the other three. There’s some wild permutations going around, and we could see the Sharks trying to leapfrog the Stormers on points difference as they are only nine behind. Luckily the comsci nerds watch rugby these days....so throw your permutations in here

Unfortunately the Stormers don’t have a chance of winning the competition, even if they do make it to the final four. That went out the window the second Schalk Burger was put on the injured list. There are still some readers of the game who pooh pooh his value to any team. Sure he’s got the worst disciplinary record ever, but most of the time its stuff that esq McCaw, Smith, Waugh et al get away with week in, week out. Maybe he has to shave his hair for the refs to stop targeting him. Maybe it’s karmic payback for that ridiculous OUTsurance stuff. He’s worth three players and the Stormers and Springboks are a different team without the Incredible Schalk (notice how the other two Schalks in the squad don’t get that title?).

There are a few things that you really don’t do if you value your existence on the planet. Like go trick or treating a warlord’s house. Stealing Ollie Le Roux’s hamburger. Telling Oprah she’s podgey.

Too bad for the gangsters who raped Schalk’s sister last week at UWC. They’re in big, big trouble, as we won’t have to wait for the Cops or the Scorpions to bring justice in due course. Schalk will hunt them down in the night and spear tackle them into mincemeat.

Might as well call Hannibal Lector’s mother a whore.

KnightRider

2008-05-15T12:12:00.001+02:00

from the files of Michael Knight

In an effort to offset man's detrimental effect on the planet I rode to Steenberg last night. Being a former member of Lord Robert Baden Powell's little boys club, I went prepared. My plumber used some really strong silicone, so I left the kitchen sink in situ but little else was to chance. My 30l pack was crammed with lots of things I really didn't hope I'd be needing. If you took a look inside, you'd see a fabergé egg effect, as my 15l hydration pack was also there (it has all my bike stuff ready to go). Notable forgotten stuff? Spare tube, duct tape, whiskey.

So I rock up to the parking lot a fraction past seven fifteen nicely warmed up. Jacques and Greg are kitting up and rearing to go. We almost leave, but then double check if TimB is indeed joining the recce. The expected yesno answer is instead a maybe. He can't find his wallet. I get an instant chill down my spine, as I also left mine at home, until I realise I don't need it to ride. He's on an XTR wheelset you see, which if you read in the manual duly instructs you to pack your (now empty) wallet in with the ride. He does actually appear before we have solved any of the world's problems amidst a flurry of expletives, kid bashing and O-ring tossing. (now when Niels cried out for some new and original writing, I don't think a whole paragraph on TimB tardiness was on his hitlist, so I'll move on now).

Jacques has lost his Mojo and is feeling pap on his bike (yes he's still on a Giant, I was referring to the Austen Powers context) and it's suggested he's been overtraining and should chill out for a week or two and recharge. It's later revealed he's riding less than 5 hours a week anyway and endless theories on training, nutrition and muscle tone abound all the way to the Silvermine Gate. I've got to say that the Forest has got herself in beautiful nick right now; firm and forgiving, riding her is a pleasure. Good girl.

I field tested one of my brainwaves. Builder's Whorehouse have these dynamo self powered torches next to the till and they looked really bright and a superbly focussed. Put one on your helmet and the bob bob of riding will keep it bright? The test failed because a) they just weren't bright enough and b) they actually have two little watch batteries in them for oomph and the rechargeable output is a bit of pale squib.

On the way down my battery terminal came unstuck. I'm still working on an ideal set-up, good thing Greg waited for me to avoid the search party running around the forest. You do really need to shout STOP! when you last in line. If only I had items two and three on my forgotten list I would have sorted it much quicker.

Jacques' eyes lit up on the way down. I really like to have the extra light on your helmet to see round the corners and not just follow the handlebars. He has just a bar mounted daylighter and flies at 9.8m/s/s. Been a while since i've seen someone superman at meurants.

Grumbly tummies led us to (drumroll.........)Jack's in the village. Flatbreads were not had. That's because its in the singular, and i think i overdid the chillie a bit. If you know what I mean.

Stella was there indeed. I'm just giving our tall blonde waitress the name Stella for now. She's way better than that big boned mesomorph with the sleeveless top. Who got the bill, what's her name again?

When I pulled into the palace a fraction before midnight, there was no apparent concern from still awake flatmates. No searchparty, not even a call to Mountain Men to amber light the sniffer dog team. It appears going out riding for five hours in inclement and dark weather is not considered unusual behaviour. Must be doing something right there.

how to really irritate me

2008-05-14T11:36:00.001+02:00

ok, this has rankled me for a while and i just want to say f#$% off to whoever started it.

so the modern kid has about 10 places with a username (at least). Of course they all have a password attached. Cool, so the privacy is guaranteed. But how are you supposed to remember 10 unique passwords? you don't, obviously you have the same one.

password crap that piss me off big time:

a)when they tell you to change your password. f@#$ you d00s, it's mine, i'll decide if it's expired or not

b)insisting on their own special rules (for the users safety). negating any chance of keeping the same password for everything.

here's two recent examples:

SARS efiling. secondly the password had so many special conditions, that it might as well be a random string of characters. i think i chose "2$Stripper69"

firstly, they generate a ridiculous login name for you that is so hard to remember itself (ie. joesoap1429). you have to remember that to get your password. your ID number is not really yours. Well i wrote it down somewhere, and will be phoning call centre of fun to get it back next time again.

virgin money internet banking:

Rules to create your Password
		1The Password is alphanumeric (comprises both letters and numbers), for example Coffee2
		2Your new Password should be 8 to 12 Characters
		3Your Password is case sensitive. For example: Coffee
		4No special characters or spacing is allowed */?-&%$#@!<>:^(.)
		5Choose a Password that is easy to remember, but that nobody else is likely to guess
		6Your own name or sequences will not be allowed, for example John1234

I tried a million new passwords, all of them got rejected as not following the 'rules'. of course they don't say which 'rule' it violates so you don't have a clue.

Hilariously the first three rules all have examples that violate each other.

So it looks like 5 and 6 f@#$ed me over, the only thing that i could get to work? Password1 - the example they give. tried changing it too.

clearly the only way to get around this is to save your passwords. which kinda negates the point of them in the first place.

it's the right thing to do

2008-05-14T09:48:00.001+02:00

It works everytime. Especially in my varsity days in matieland, where everyone is a cheapskate due to the low price of alchohol (which just forces you to spend all your money on it).

Go to a mate's flat complex and, whilst you are waiting for them to get their ducks rowed, you just push a random button on the intercom.

Random: "Hello, who's there?"

You: "TV licence inspector, can we come up please?"…….

Random will come up with a myriad of excuses, normally along the lines of :

"we don't have a tv"

You: "well according to our records you do"

When the random is really freaking out, you throw in a:

"that's okay, someone has just opened the gate, I'm coming up to inspect"

mwha ha ha, rest assured there's a quick game of hide the TV going on in the little flat.

Ahhh, good times. Now life really has progressed, judging by what rocked up in my mailbox the other day. My name was preceded by ADMIR. For the life of me, I could not remember what ADMIR was. In a spate of good citizenship last year, I paid for a TV licence. Of the 50 or so titles, Admiral was chosen (Jedi Knight not being on the list). I'm sure it'll come to bite me sometime, but until then I'm running the ship.

Now what on earth incensed me to pay for a TV license when I don't watch the damn thing much? Well, it's the right thing to do and doesn't really break the bank to be honest. There are of course a few things worth watching these days anyway on 'free to air'.

50/50 is gone. But not without a fight. After 20+ years on the station, the longest running show was canned last month. Monday night was their final slot, and the closing season was great, with the 'best of' veldfokus over the years. Just imagine all the brilliant videos and stills in those archives…well the snapshot they showed us was awesome. Getting rid of Dali and Vusi is hardly justification for them scrapping this national treasure, but it's a start.

Jericho is gone. Gill will never be the same, but Wednesday night now has this Prison Break thing.

The LAB II. The LAB was the best ever South African produced show (including all DSTV/MNET stuff). Took them a while to bring it back and they have shifted it to Sunday night SABC3 prime at 8pm just to show how highly it's rated. Monty, Jaws and Mingus et al are all still there in this brilliant high stakes business drama set in the unique environment that is the Jozi boardroom. This is our LA Law, but with BEE issues. I missed the first episode, but will make an effort to watch the rest, it's worth it.

The Indie is gone

2008-05-06T09:36:00.004+02:00

Wow, talk about a snippet of k@k news. The Independant Armchair Theatre in Obs has had to close. Laden with debt and being unable to conform to noise regualtions led to the plug getting pulled this week. Who could forget Corne and Twaks performing with not a square inch of available floor? Chiaroscuro's reunion show. There are plenty of good times (not to mention the Monday night pizza and a movie D*E*A*L). For me it has to be the multiple 'Jane Says' performances. Yeah Froman rocking and cocking out in a real band. Rent a crowd jumping around like they just won Lipton Cup. Going all gypsey with their Caravan and never leaving with out an encore. Matt probably recorded all those shows, must get my paws on 'em. There's no talk of a even a goodby party, as it's already been closed for a month 'due to renovations', but I can of course I have a little entertainment for your bandwidth. It's Unit.R, and the megaphone song.

broadband

dial-up

Why do you build me up, build me up?

2008-05-06T08:02:00.004+02:00

ok, thanks all for ther frantic calls of worry, Yes i am still alive and kicking. And no i did not go to any far flung corner of the world during the holiday week either (does losing my DIRTginity count?)

BEFORE

I've been rather busy, building a double garage. For the benefit of our international viewers, that actually means i have paid a whole bunch of dudes to put some bricks and cement in a pile on a corner of my plot. All i physically do is get stuff (like cement, hoop iron and money).

There's a hole in my garden, dear Lisa, dear Lisa.
It's coming along, I almost bounced a check last week (will happens for sure this time, as I'm moving money around faster than Don Corleone). But it appears i have not beaten the winter rain. oh bad.

ooooh, is that a wall i see?

The other news is that i have a lot on the go, so much to write about but battling to get forefingers to keyboard, but hang in there. I could start with the being on a firstname basis with all the ladies at Builder's Whorehouse (love a hardware store open till 7pm), or the dramam with the bircks, or the sand, or the rubble, or the scaffold, or the windows, or the inspector, or making it too small to fit my car. but let's wait and see.

come together, ..right now!
BUTTERCUPS!

The oval ball bounces straight for us.

2008-04-21T10:46:00.005+02:00

It is indeed a sunny day in Tshwane (petoria). The locals woke up as World and Super14 champions, had a winning team over the week-end and were comfortable in the knowledge that they couldn't lose in the week coming up. But weather is all relative and it's getting remarkably Stormier in the near future for our boys in blue over the Jukskei. They have a bye coming up, have already surrendered the S14 trophy (even the Stormers already have more points than they can mathematically get) and Dangerous Dave is joining the ranks of their tax paying/avoiding residents (the fact that my darling sister is leaving the town for good on the exact selfsame day has not gone unnoticed).

Dan's the man

The contrast was hard to ignore (these days are distant memories, WWSD-what would Steve Do?). Loftus was empty, Newlands packed. The Super 14 is getting very exciting as the Crusaders wait on who'll be joining them in the semis. There's four weeks to go and the Sharks and Waratahs are sitting in second and third with a bit of breathing space to the pack of six marauding for fourth. The length and nature of the tournament means that they're all in with a shout and there's a bit of dice throwing required to predict the make-up of the final four.

Which is exactly what we did. Here are the crunch games with some bone tossing for the results(winners in bold).

April
25 Crusaders vs Blues Christchurch 9.35am
26 Waratahs vs The Sharks Sydney 11.40am

MAY

3 Vodacom Bulls vs Waratahs Loftus Versfeld 3pm
3 Vodacom Stormers vs Brumbies Newlands Rugby Stadium 5.05pm
9 Hurricanes vs Western Force Wellington 9.35am
9 Vodacom Bulls vs Brumbies Loftus Versfeld 7.10pm
10 Vodacom Stormers vs Waratahs Newlands Rugby Stadium 7.10pm
16 Blues vs Hurricanes Auckland 9.35am
16 Western Force vs Brumbies Perth 1.05pm
17 Reds vs Waratahs Brisbane 11.40am
17 The Sharks vs Chiefs The Absa Stadium, Durban 7.10pm

The bones are clearly from the Table mountain area as they see the 'Tahs and the Sharks stumbling ever so slightly in the difficult run in with the Stormers and Cane's pulling through with mostly homeground games. Using a lovely excel sheet we can fathom a 'Saders vs 'Tahs/Canes in Christchurch and Sharks/Stormers (venue TBA) final four. That's my cock on a block, but anything can happen, except a Bulls title defence.

Whilst we're on the subject of rugby, and have got the boring talk of results/matches out the way, it's time to look at some pivots. Dan Carter is the best.
Just look at him, and you'll see why Jeannie D didn't come home the night the 'Saders played in Cape Town. The bone structure, the 'gee shucks' countryboy attitude and the fact that he's pretty darn good all makes him a top prize for any girl. But since he's currently injured we do have to look elsewhere and luckily it's not a far travel to find his worthy replacement.
they all want their hands on him

He's reserved and down to earth, pretty good with the boot and (according to our XY chromosoned sources) bloody hot too. Yes sirree, Peter Grant has it all, and if those bones are to be believed an appointment with Mr Carter come May 31st.

Pete always scores

world's biggest foam party

2008-04-18T15:42:00.002+02:00

not what you thought. the dudes from Sony Bravia went a bit wild downtown Miami.

now imagine if they left it on at night?!

Who's got a new flag?

2008-04-18T14:59:00.002+02:00

Hey they threw this thing up the other day. Now Blue Flag means cool beach in municipality language.

Nice

I think to celebrate we should hold a surfing beach braai where we get mortared. Bring your dogs

the figures are all skyrocketing

2008-04-11T12:45:00.003+02:00

So all the numbers are going up. Petrol is like it's linked to some internet dating scheme. I still shudder when the joggie tunes me it's over four hundred bucks to fill up my thriteen hundred. They must be laughing, as I'm sure their tips go up proportionately.

Eskom is pushing at getting their price tariffs upped by hefty margins, bye bye cheapest tricity on the planet, tough takkies if you run a factory on slim margins (but not if you have an aluminium smelter and it's all at cost anyway).

Tito has just reminded us that he's not forgotten about us. Take that 50 basis points and find another whole in that belt of yours.

Then I stumbled on a graph for Zimflation. Wahaaa. you can see it all here, but for the record it was a staggering 585 in 2003% but due to the scale hardly it even registers a blip.

So as we might have realised not everything is going up (definitely not renumerations), and this one is a moniker of note. 5 years ago, a bottle of the tried and tested Chateau Libertas was about twenty bucks. I picked up some at a Tops the other night on special for...twenty bucks. Hmmm, somethings fishy, because you can be rest assured the price of Tassies has doubled in that same time frame

cruising parking lots to pick up chicks

2008-04-08T15:45:00.002+02:00

You have to ask WTF is going on here?
Look at the hands
It's mulletboy XC racer boerie stander and road princess Cherisé Taylor. Now Cherisé is the Angelina Jolie of south african cycling, she pulled a silver medal at the world juniors whilst still in matric last year. She was one of the four Konica Minolta ladies, undoubtedly the hottest team to hit local tarmac EVER and got rewarded as SA female cyclist of the year for her troubles. Unfortunately MTN picked her up this year and gooied her on a Raleigh, but not even that could stop her from winning the Argus.
Go princess, go!
Well Boerie is our top rated XC lap racer from Port Shepstone. He's also a yungsta, but came 5th in the under23 section of the worlds in Scotland last year. He's off to Beijing for sure, and turned some heads already at the Epic this year racing with world champ suzie before his knee exploded on day three.

Dirty boy
Pity is, he's tappit to the core. The mullet, the gold chain and the terrible hat selections make him a little bit parow-noord for my paranoia. So we had to do some sneaking (ie. Go to his open to the public facebook profile) and it appears our worst fears are confirmed. He's bonking (off the bike) our princess. Never before has such a hottie been so quickly Federlined, I'm only consoled by his profile

Activities:cycling.cruising parking lots to pick up chicks, hangin wid peeps in the ghetto
Interests:penguins
Vrooom
His car isn't much better, definitely from the wrong side of the tracks

bikep0rn

2008-04-08T09:18:00.002+02:00

okay, now that's out the way, lets get back to my ruminations and the original subject title.

So I'm really battling to crack it into the local adult entertainment industry. Before you go on about performance, hardware, lack of german accent etc. let me just say it is purely down to my cycling tan. No amount of self-tan lotion or coconut oil will ever neutralise that solid line on my thighs where one side is slave to the african sun and the other porcelain princess locked up in her castle. It's just as bad on the upper arms, and the hard to hide sockline. They have all sorts of experts on set, with all sorts of lighting rigmarole trying all sorts of things, yet it's all come to naught......

then at a low-point (just before i considered giving up riding to pursue this career more seriously), it hit me.

BIKE PORN

Yes, I know what you thinking, get your fixie off those fixies i showed you earlier. If those top-quality movies can all have female stars wearing their high heels, why can't we have some bib-shorts and helmet scenes? A bit of off-trail roughriding? All we really need are some good titles, the rest will come. What they normally do is take a really good blockbuster and wangle the name around:
For Your Thighs Only
Forrest Hump
Full Metal Bikini
Ghostlusters
Gonad the Barbarian
Good Will Humping

and that's just F and G, what we need are some saucy bike related titles. here's a start:
head tube
seatpost in seattle
top tube gun
the tale of nippleless wheelbuilding (does that sound like nicklaus nickleby??)
the texas chainstay redesign
cleat and present danger
XTR

Finally, another race report

2008-04-07T15:01:00.004+02:00

Ring ring and i pick up the phone, it's ching chong jim wei on the line:
CCJW: hey dude where are you?
Sailorboysteve:F@#$ Sh11 CR@p, I'm still in bed.

Luckily our oriental friend needs me to find Lourensford, as he's unable to point his car east on the N2 and follow the cars with mountain bikes on the back. Of course I've set my alarm for the unholy hour of 5am, but the phone is so damn clever the artificial intelligence kicks in and realises i don't want to be up that early on a saturday (but I did this morning, huh?!).

The dude doing the start seeding has not read Darwin's “origins of the species” and I'm in B group 10minutes behind a whole bunch of funriders. It's not like the alphabet either, essentially B comes last here. Sweet. At least I find Tatum and some very fit looking multisporter in team jeep kit called Cass next to me as we sneak in under the candy tape. We have the usual startline chit chat...not doing much training/had the flu/just chilling out today etc etc. The gun goes and after about 500m of dirt riding that stupid race competitive instinct kicks in and it's time to start weaving through the field. Cass is quickly gone, but a good thing I'm still ahead of Tatum.

I'm expecting the long pull up to the saddle 'a la Lourendsford classic, but instead we head off towards the dams pretty soon. Then it's the usual overtake/passing right spiel. We hit this just rideable slog up some vineyard track which takes a while. At the top I realise that i'm not overtaking B group hackers anymore because chingboy is there too. Poof! there goes his 10 minute headstart like the dust cloud that emerges on every descent through the very dry terrain.

that's a loverly bike...the silverback

It's still very crowded when we hit the first wooded single track at about 10kms. There's a holdup as some senior guy has had a very bad wipe on a steep section. There's groaning and ahhing. He's got some guys helping him, but no-one knows who to call, there's no emergency contact on the number board either – nice one Epic. Of course it's been brilliantly marked the whole way with a lot of signs and candy tape, but there's not much in the way of personnel on the course. Moving on it's now soldiers rank down the clustered singletrack as the rubber necking has held the route up and patience is the order of the day. Not so for some wise guy who decides it's a good idea to overtake 10 people at a time. I have to laugh as he flies down the side, brakes, does a sideways somersault with his toeclips/cages and comes to rest.

There's some more very technical uphill slogs to follow, did Leon 'Dr Evil' Evans set this course too? I'm fine with that, you have to suffer to appreciate the 966 reasons the Epic finishers are legends, but it quickly becomes apparent there's a big gap between the 22 and the 55 routes as some people are beginning to suffer. In my prerace rush I haven't checked my qr skewer properly and the rear wheel pops out on the next downhill (i'm actually not sure how that happened, it's a new bike and i thought it was tight enough). All is fine as i stop before any damage, but the one pad (v brakes) has twisted and is rubbing. I'm about to swear when i realise my multitool is still in the car, but then Tatum swings past like an angel. A quick stop and she's got her's out for me. I promise to try catch her. It takes a while as she really does fly (see her work here ), but when I pull up to her she's running short on air in her rear wheel and doesn't have a pump on her. Rarely is karma repaid within 3kms and we're back on the go after a few good pomps (ja ja, that joke never tires). We concur that it is actually a moer of a race and we can't wait for some downhill respite. I mention that if we still are going up to the saddle then it'll be a loooong day indeed. Then we arrive at the saddle, from above?! How did that happen?!

A long section of downhill follows, and the rest is a race against the incessant throb of helicopter engine. I have to beat those damn Vredestein dudes to the finish line. There's a few sections of singletrack thrown in, where they've taken a broom and cleared a path in the pine needles. There's little 'flow' to it, and I'd hate to be rider 1199 down that section. It does get a little bit hot, but we're mostly in the forest now. For jeep track riding, it really is good terrain. There's repeatable sections of switchback road leading to hiphigh river grass every gulley and for once the contour is flat. I probably only see 2 other riders for the last 5km's (but I do pass a big truck setting up a water point about 5 mins from the end – huh?!).

the only Bulls worth shouting for

Well I time it perfectly and beat the Bulls by about 15 minutes so I'm on the grandstand for their sprint finish. Later i hear some swiss hack called Cristoph won it after his partner's knee exploded on stage three of the epic. That's funny because the online registration closed before the Epic started, and I doubt he entered both. Either way the yodeller is lucky, because if I was in A group I would have sucked his wheel dry and dropped him on the downhills (or taken the chicken run shortcut from the saddle – employed by a few I hear!).

I'm glad I did the race, it's obvious they use it as an afterthought, but you can't ride lourensford just once a year. Much respect to all the full finishers, and the dude who invented Spur rib burgers.

saddle sores, that's what 966km does to you

Epic bru

2008-04-03T15:07:00.003+02:00

twisty switchback

So you might have heard of this little ride called the Cape Epic. Take your mountain bike to Knysna, and book 9 days off work. 966km later you’ll emerge at Lourensford in Somerset West a little bit tired but satisfied.

Not that simple, fellows. If you ride bikes, people ask you if you’ve done the Argus. That’s a joke of a race, something we call a fun ride. But if you ride a mountain bike, people will enquire about how many Epics you’ve done. Totally different scenario. The Epic is a large undertaking, the middle of the bell curve do about 5000km of training and spend about R20k in the 4 months leading up to the event. Stories of sleeping on the couch with the bike, avoiding friends, quitting jobs, partners (romantic) getting suspicious due to time spent with partners (racing) all abound. Some people even get tattoos.

Gav on the run

Of course the pros whizz around and it can be exciting following the drama. For once the saffers are actually able to keep up with all the top overseas hotshots (5 of the top 10 rated dudes are here, lots of funny sounding surnames). With only two straightforward stages to go, we should see the MTN team in third.
Kev and George charging in for the prologue win
Yesterday the race leaders (Fugelsang/Paulissen – I warned about the funny names) had to ride the last 18km without a back wheel. Too many punctures and no way to fix them. They only lost 8 minutes of their 18 minute cushion on second place. Legendary stuff for a team that were pipped into second last year.
Who needs rubber?

But the bigger human story comes further down the field, where total amateurs have put their lives on hold for the race. Many race against the cut-offs just to stay in the race. There’s heartbreak whenever the medical team have to remove injured riders from the field. 90% seems to be ITB or saddle sores, there’s no way to really train the body for 8+ hours continual punishment for a week straight when you still have a nine to five. Ride of the week has to go to the 115kg Robbie Kempson, who you might remember as a Springbok prop, crazy what people will do in the name of charity.

thanks honey

We’ll be there at the finish (after a little 55km burn round the vineyards to warm up) to see them in on Saturday. Watch this space

These argies are crazy

2008-03-27T09:11:00.003+02:00

Oh my word! So I stumbled on Rule69 again the other day. It's back up and running quite nicely.

Followed a link to some Oppie regatta pics in Argentina. Can you imagine they send their kids out in those conditions. They must have big balls over there (the kids and the mommies in the parking lot).

I'm on starboard
So am i , but can't see sh1t!
Try not to ramp over the mark now

Don't forget to put that board down

Vernon Koekemoer

2008-03-26T15:36:00.003+02:00

ok things are just exploding in our dark corner of africa. If you don't know who Vernon Koekemoer is, where have you been hiding??

So some built dude rocks up to the H2O rave in boksburg (where else) looking like he just played eeny meeny miney moe at Freaky Feast and within a week. the joy of the internet and people with too much time on their hands photoshops him somewhere between Steve Hofmeyer and Chuck Norris.

With mini vernon

just follow the links.

watkykjy

rambo guy

it's scary

WINDY WINDY

2008-03-20T19:33:00.002+02:00

Just incase you thought the r27 was a boring drive.

on the R27/Darling turn off...protected by snakes???these hippies are dodgy

take me to the place where the white boys dance

2008-03-18T10:42:00.004+02:00

Ardent followers might have noticed the recent decline in posting. It's normally due to one of two different factors. Being too busy and not having time to do it, or doing nothing and having didly squat worth writing about.

Luckily this time it's due to secret answer #3. I've finally finished the time machine! Took forever for the flux capacitors to work properly (ACME sent the damn 110V/60Hz versions), but we took it for a test the other day which is why I wasn't here. The realists would say that if I went back in time, then time here stood still . . . but it looks like life went on fine without me at the usual pace.

Time machine V1.0 just out the lab

So where did we go? 1999, where petrol was R2.20/l and Britney was hot. I don't remember much else, as we really did party like it was 1999. Any suggestions for the next trip?

Close up on the retro dials

ps. It looks like I seem to have disturbed the very fabric of the space-time continuum, as Phil scored a chick last week-end.

Mountains or molehills

2008-03-14T13:05:00.003+02:00

Looks like we'll tolerate the neighbourhood stray cats a bit longer -these moles must be gigantic!

I smell bacon

2008-03-11T10:01:00.002+02:00

as an ex- matie, i can relate to this crap.

I once (twice actually) slept at SAP hotel as I was getting taken home. Ja sure we got away with murder most of the time, but they were just trying to get cell occupancy up for sh1ts and giggles.

respect to Bohemia for highlighting this absolutely rotten behaviour. String them up with the Reitz vier.

Best cops in the world?? oudtshoorn, the whole country comes to their dorp to party, and they join in the spirit. Legends

rustier than irony

2008-03-06T22:18:00.004+02:00

it's been a mad season. you might have notice you've been ignored, there's been plenty on the go.

one of them is the impending big W of buffoon #1 and the safe chickie dickie. luckily i do get the last word here being the MC. an all too assuming position that got me involved in the hens night. I know WTF!

now, how do hen's night photos end up on facebook albums? surely there's like a filter in FBHQ california, that takes that stuff out. You know for people who have absolutely no clue what the hell their senseless actions are doing? they have safety latches on guns, so eminem's mom doesn't blow her own brains - right?

read it and weep

if anyone reading this attending buffoon's event tries this kak, there will be hell to pay.

Some things money can’t buy

2008-03-03T08:10:00.003+02:00

So the team got an ultra exclusive invite to a new happening little possie last week. Does Cape Town really really need another exclusive restaurant you say? Well, it is a restaurant, but oh so much more. Trendy little Chelsea village in Wynberg, will do well to keep this one a secret, but word travels like wildfire when superb is just not a good enough description.

The decor

She’s the talk of the local dinner club scene, and hostesses are just falling over themselves booking her for their intimate home functions. Of course we love and know her as bikerchick; but take off the lycra and throw her in a kitchen and surprisingly good results ensue. Her latest venture is definitely worth writing home (or here ) about.

Chefs at work (anonymity was requested)

I walked in to the venue and was immediately impressed by the floral arrangements and artworks on the walls. This is an important feature quite often neglected by our local eateries. It’s done well here partly because bikerchick is a girl with classic taste, but mainly because the venue is a florist/art studio during the daytime.
flowers, flowers, flowers

We were ushered to the private balcony which must be just a 5 iron from the open air theatre (time will tell, but we might need the 3). The hostess ploughed us with wine whilst she got beavering away in the kitchen. Whilst it is a set menu, one is not spoilt for variety – who knew things could be so yummy without adding salami, bacon and other meats? The potato frikkadelletjies where crunchy, yet juicy; the salad of white stuff, greenery and grapes had us fighting over the ladle and the pancake thingymajigs with mushrooms and other crap inside were a taste adventure par excellence.

Table for eight?
The winelist is the only area of concern, as it is a mishmash of pretty much whatever is on special at the Spar. Fortunately a sommelier with five years training in the winelands has been consulted and will be stepping in to order the drinking, which needs the good stuff/plonk sequence to be monitored (tough when the bottles are flying around like helium balloons).

All in all, two thumbs fully up and a repeat review is anticipated with fervent expectation

Killing me softly

2008-02-28T10:53:00.003+02:00

with his so oooong.

Ardent readers would remember how we smoked class 2 the other evening. Well Ron the guru, forgot to mention that we are now Class 1 (upgrades, baby) and actually started 5 minutes late - so we're involved in a bigger legal wrangle than Ernesto vs Larry to get it overturned.

anyway, we stick to sticking it to the rest on the water - last night was no exception. I do have to wonder what all these folk are doing round the docks? Or are they trying to picket the CTICC. Zim, Congo, Somalia? who knows - but expect some new car guards in the ensuing weeks.

The greatest show on earth

2008-02-24T17:35:00.002+02:00

so in the depths of a dark canadian winter, there were cheers to come from the idiot box. Now can you believ it, our two favourites are right here on YouTube!

Most Extreme Eliminations: take a ridiculous Gladiators style Jap series, and then dub the greatest ever running commentary over it. Brit viewrs would recognise it as Takahashi's Castle, but it's just so much better with the new audio. ouch!

The man show: Oprah for men. the presenters have to down their beers, and it ends with girls in dresses on trampolines. you can't improve on perfection

Uncle Jager hits the vlei

2008-02-20T12:55:00.002+02:00

Oh wow, another year rolls by. I know that because kids are talking about the UCT yacht club opening cruise. They have about five of these each year, but the only one that counts is the first one. It has many highlights, I'm torn between the boat bashing and subsequent burning and the surplus semester abroad yank skanks that always get punished.

The boat burning is a goodie, as an old dog of a hull is found, decimated by bent laser sections and then lit. Invariably some idiot gets impatient and pours 5l of petrol on and then tries to impress girls by jumping over the flames. I'd like to see some jump bikes to be honest. We'll also bnever forget the time a wooden boat couldn't be found. Fibreglass makes thick, black smoke. You could call it nigerian.

Then well, where do we start with the skanks? They get enticed at O-week sign up, have a huge party. Throw name and never return. Maybe they feel a little disappointed when Snailman refers to it as a 'Lake', when the rest of us know it is a green slimy receptacle where the gangs dump their targets. Maybe they come in search of man-whore Gabriel, whose fourgasm is talk of legend.

sneak preview of the stock

Either way, they normally run out of booze, no matter how much is bought. What price that it lasts this year?
please tell me that's not Absinthe

MPFrees

2008-02-19T16:05:00.001+02:00

So I have a fairly simple view on MP3s and the law. Music format has changed (for the better) and so should the industry. They are still stuck in circa 1970, when tapes came out. That was the end, because now you could copy any LP in your home and distribute at your own desire. Well illegal reproductions did happen, but it hardly dented the industry profits.

Then came CD's in ~1984. That was cool, because they had so many advantages over tapes. Also cool for them because they retailed for double the tape price, yet cost less to manufacturer from about day 15 (no moving parts on cd's – think about it). So they schnaaied us there with extra profit for sure. CD burners in ~1994 took mixed tapes to a new level, but they still raked in the cash. It's quite a luss do make them in any volume.

All this crap got them worried, and it was no different when MP3's kicked off about the sametime. Now I can get someone's entire music collection onto my portable harddrive/Ipod in about an hour. Take a medium sized 30Gb MP3 collection, that's about 650 full length albums. That's the most amazing way to share music, which is a good thing for sure.

The industry are too worried about their rights. Somewhere they forgot that people make music for much bigger reasons than money. Eventually they will wake up, we'll a wider range of artists and less peripheral guys making money off these artists. Demo's are getting cheaper and better as decent setups can be done in a garage. Recording companies? Well they'll change for sure. Who needs a whole promotional division when you have myspace, publicists when you have a band website? Basically the power recorded music will be more in the hands of the musicians themselves, and not the hanger's on who've been controlling it for the last 50 years (which is why they fight it). It's a better situation for sure.

I still buy albums, but mostly from local bands who deserve the cash. I'd rather copy the MP3's and just do a R100 EFT to the band account. If you somehow feel guilty about MP3's, then here's a way to get it free and legal.

loadtheshow dot coza

very clever concept, get advertising money to pay for free downloads, which then goes directly to the artists. They have a quota for the day, and anyone can plunder it until it's empty. You get told who pays for your song. Brilliant.

So that's my viewpoint, I have a rack of cd's I hardly ever use and a bunch of mostly illegal MP3's I do use often. Still think I'm a criminal, then think about this. Author writes a book that the public can buy. You buy it, read it and put it on the shelf. You're done with it really, but might lend it out to someone, who will also only read it once. That person gets the same from the book that you did, yet paid nothing. To all intents and purposes it's the same as copying a cd. So if MP3 sharing is illegal and punishable, please take book clubs ( and libraries) down at the same time.

The boys night out

2008-02-18T08:50:00.003+02:00

So fatboy had a kak week. The foreign aid worker chick gave him the heave-ho, the b1tsh. Dangerous did the necessary, and called a boys night out. No chicks/wifes/panty potential allowed. That's a recipe for disaster, but throw in a trip to Jonny's rotis in the N1 highwayman's car and you know it's all going pear. Not sure quite why we had to have the emergency flasher beacon on the whole way, but it did seem a good idea at the time.

Being biker boys, pretty soon a track stand competition progressed to a stairwell downhill progressed to a street drag race. The ADT patrolman was roped in, but declined when he heard that the purse was a Jameson's funnel.

not a downhill course

For some reason it was decided that a spot of barbering was required, and the N1 highwayman stood up to the plate in performing the world's worst mullet. Ever. What was I thinking? Oh wait, heavy thinking had been replaced by steady drinking somewhere near main road.

The world's worst mullay, in the history of mullays

The Beams were destination A, and they stood up well. I had friends not recognising me, in my new guise as tappitparownoordboi. Pretty soon, the R8 bacardi and coke special loomed, gotta luv mercury.

Some crazy dancing ensued downstairs. What happens during 99 Red balloons in the english speaking world???yes, everyone drops their pants. Not so here, apparently. Everyone followed my lead, but then proceeded to repeat the process during random songs for the rest of the night. Looks like the system broke down somewhere. Of course we had a fine array of beauties lined up until the Parlotones rocked up and beatlemania got in the way. Damn those brazilians.

I could go on, but you had to be there. Maybe these pics of my jeans will explain the way we hit that dancefloor hard. Too hard, ouch!

die groot gat

I kneed a new pair

Wed nite mayhem

2008-02-15T12:20:00.002+02:00

In case you hadn't noticed, summer started a long time ago. Days got hotter, windier and longer way back in mid 2007. So when the hashbrown crew assembled on Sea Minor for their first wednesday night race of the season, there was little talk of victory. Just getting round the course with all cobwebs shaken would be considered a job well done. Maybe there was no victory plans because the milnerton connection was stuck in milnerton (the suburb, not the mark).

hellooooo class 2

With roles determined and deck fluff in position the boat was fine-tuned with the time honoured TLAR* method. Skipper Price then did the usual transit and surprise surprise a bang-it-closer-than-a-ballhair-to-the-wall start was called. Position was vital, as the only watch on the boat measured in increments of minutes.

race faces

The rest of Class 2 were kakking off when they saw us power off the line at a speed of at least four knots, you could see it in their eyes. The tactical calls up the first beat were shared by all on board, and they were superb. They were so sublime, that we didn't even tack once, and even got to bear off slightly when a minute or so from the mark.

The Paardeneiland mark was duly rounded with the entire fleet in our wake. With not much else to do before the Milnerton mark, Skipper Price lashed the helm and the bar was opened. The pirates on Celine III tried covering and catching up. We just chugged our beers and smiled. They backed off once Hobb let off a snorter fart, this thing travelled UPWIND and there was no question of a water call. I think that's what happened, i was actually busy rolling off some choice MMS's to the idiots who chose to find other things to do.

life's tough

The mighty Sea Minor roared through the rest of the course, almost catching the Class 1 hackers by the line. As was earlier reported, it's been a while since we've been on the boat, so the booze stocks were looking grim. We'd already put the wench onto cane straigthfacing, and it was getting to Grappa.

posers

The line came closer, dolphins frolicked off the bow, crowds roared. We rock. It's fun to be good. A long lost bottle of champers (sparkling wine to be honest) was duly found and despatched. Zula bar still don't know what hit them.

TLAR* That looks about right

Dummies guide to the AC wrangles

2008-02-13T09:09:00.003+02:00

If you (like most of us) don't know what the hell is actually going on, this article from the Telegraph should clear things up:

Salvatore sits and waits

The America's Cup has a history of making waves. Alistair Osborne reports on the spat that has left the venerable prize shipwrecked

Maybe Howard Hughes would understand. "I'm not a paranoid deranged millionaire," the late recluse once declared. "Goddamit, I'm a billionaire."

Judge Herman Cahn of the New York Supreme Court might recognise that. Any day now, he will give his verdict on a spiteful duel between two of the world's richest men that has marooned yachting's greatest prize, the America's Cup, in a legal spat of nit-picking complexity.

At the centre of the squall between these two crashing egos is a 120-year-old document, running to just two pages. It is the Deed of Gift, which governs the oldest trophy in international sport. In the hands of the two bilious billionaires, the case has become a pedant's, and lawyer's charter, degenerating into a row over what constitutes a "keel yacht" and the definition of simple words, like "weekday".

Billionaire number one is the winner of the 31st and 32nd races: Ernesto Bertarelli, whose father built the Swiss-based Serono biotech company, which was sold to pharmaceutical giant Merck in 2006 for $13.3bn (£6.8bn). Last year Forbes magazine ranked Serono-heir Bertarelli the world's 76th richest man, worth $8.8bn.

Billionaire number two is Larry Ellison, the brash software supremo still at the helm of Oracle Systems, the American IT outfit he co-founded 30 years ago. Fortune ranked him number 11, worth $21.5bn. Not that Ellison would care. "Money is just a method of keeping score now," he said recently.

Just participating in the America's Cup can cost a team between £40m and £80m. But, as a boatload of billionaires have found to their cost, it is one prize money cannot buy. Bertarelli hinted at as much after he won the last renewal: "It's been a real lesson in life; one of the hardest things I've ever done, and today, besides the birth of my kids, is probably the best day of my life."

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Perhaps that feeling explains the extraordinary goings-on since Bertarelli's Swiss Alinghi team scooped the "Auld Mug" in Valencia last summer.

The rules of the America's Cup are unlike any other sporting event. Sir Keith Mills, the Air Miles and Nectar card millionaire who led London's successful Olympic bid, knows the rulebook better than most because he is assembling a British challenge. "The America's Cup is unique in sport," he explains. "If you win it, you get to choose the challenger and where the next race is held. You also get all the sponsorship and merchandising rights."

Bertarelli wanted more, though. In a textbook example of control-freakery, he tried to tighten the defender's grip on the Cup by producing an off-the-shelf Spanish challenger - the hastily-assembled Club Náutico Español de Vela. That's not to mention some rather dubious rewriting of the rules of engagement.

This was a provocation too far for Ellison, who reached for his lawyers. The upshot was that last November Judge Cahn threw out Bertarelli's Spanish challenger and installed, in its place, Ellison's Golden Gate Yacht Club.

Says Tom Ehman, spokesman for Ellison's BMW Oracle team: "Bertarelli simply tore up the rule book and established this yacht club that didn't qualify. He also wanted to name all the officials and have the defender sail in the challengers' races, which is rather like putting the fox in the chicken coop. "

Under the rules, the official challenger races against other rivals in a series of heats until one boat emerges to go head-to-head with the defending champion.

Bertarelli naturally disagrees. One source says: "In his mind, he won the America's Cup, therefore he decides the rules. If Larry Ellison wants to set the rules, he has first got to go and win the cup on the water."

The Deed of Gift has its origins in the race round the Isle of Wight in 1851 - the 100 Guinea Cup - that established the America's Cup. Despite 17 British competitors, the sole foreign challenger - the schooner yacht America - sailed off with the trophy. In 1877, the only survivor of the victorious team, George Schuyler, donated the cup to the New York Yacht Club under a Deed of Gift. It stated that the trophy was to be "a perpetual challenge cup for friendly competition between nations". The deed requires the trophy holder to accept the challenge from any established foreign yacht club and meet on the water within 10 months for a best-of-three races, with a day's break between each.

After Judge Cahn's November ruling, Bertarelli hired new lawyers. They spotted that Ellison's challenge referred to a "keel yacht", failing to describe, they claim, the catamaran he is building. Neither did his race dates - July 4, 6 and 8 - fit the bill. The July 5 rest day fell on a Saturday, which they claimed did not count as a "weekday". So they declared his challenge invalid.

Ellison's camp suspects Bertarelli is playing for time while he designs a yacht ideally suited to the location he chooses for the next race.

Many believe Judge Cahn will force the warring billionaires to settle their differences on the water this autumn.

While he ruminates on his decision, the judge might also reflect how times have changed since British tea baron Sir Thomas Lipton sunk much of his fortune and three decades of his life into five failed challenges for the cup, spanning 1899 to 1930.

When, at the age of 80, Lipton finally gave up, New York mayor Jimmy Walker presented him with a silver cup, recognising him as "the world's best loser".

That's a status Bertarelli and Ellison would find nauseating. Happily, one of them must lose.

so you think your valentines is looking bleak?

2008-02-12T08:22:00.000+02:00

spare a thought for these guys:
nice tower for a date

RIYADH (Reuters) - Saudi Arabia's religious police have banned red roses ahead of Valentine's Day, forcing couples in the conservative Muslim nation to think of new ways to show their love.

The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice has ordered florists and gift shop owners in the capital Riyadh to remove any items colored scarlet, which is widely seen as symbolizing love, newspapers said.

"They visited us last night," the Saudi Gazette quoted an unidentified florist as saying.

It is not unusual for the Saudi vice squad to clamp down ahead of Valentine's Day, which it sees as encouraging relations between men and women outside of wedlock, the newspaper said.

Saudi Arabia imposes an austere form of Sunni Islam which prevents unrelated men and women from mixing, bans women from driving and demands that women wear a headscarf and a cloak.

Relations outside marriage are strictly banned and punishable by law.

picture story book

2008-02-11T05:54:00.000+02:00

wow, that's a big gap between posts..of course the team has not been idly sitting twiddling thumbs. That dumb cliche about a picture and thousands of words comes to mind, digest this:

hmm, yes well
..the keywords are phuza thursday world champs(vensters) and up the creek

Kindergarten Cop

2008-01-28T05:35:00.000+02:00

So it's been a long day, I've been pushing off team leaders, bosses and other deadlines...perfect time to see how i match up against other bullies.

Do it, you never know

26

When billboards go left field

2008-01-23T09:15:00.000+02:00

Every now and then I am forced from the cosy confines of the southern suburbs, and we have to deal with the riff raff from the rest of cape town. Luckily the M5's Koeberg interchange is not negotiated more than once a month. Put me in that twice a day and there'd be queue jumpers getting shot.

Anyway, so I noticed one of the huge billboards there before Christmas:

“TYGERLITSHA”

and that's it, nothing else. Odd how someone would pay for so much and overlook the fact that it doesn't make any sense.

The other day I swing by and they have taken it down (yay), and replaced it with:

“MANNENSTANTIA”

(aah).

After a bit of carefree investigation, I got to the bottom of it. It's run by the hacks at Goodhope FM, apparently their logo is actually on the billboard. The whole campaign is that they bring Cape Town together. Okee, if you must insist, but don't come crying when you win the most obtuse Loerie award. A hopskip to their site and you can even download their new Cape Town wallpaper.

I don't know who did the shortlist, but I would have had the Muizenberg bathing houses in, and the Tampon Towers out.

In Zuma we trust

2008-01-22T10:04:00.000+02:00

Before you laugh/cry and Alt + F4 in disgust, I'd like to point out that we're referring to Sibusizo Zuma here (no relation to JZ). He's the peroxided striker that could be key to us gaining anything from Ghana. The bi-ennial (that's every two years, you uneducated filth) Africa's Cup of Nations kicked off on Sunday in Ghana, and our boys need all the help they can get. The other thing that happens every two years is everyone asking for the damn tournament to be held in the off-season, but the CAF boys like to piss the rest of the rich world off.

There's a Zulu on the p-spot

To put it mildly, we're up against it. Recent results have not been good, we've slid down to 78 on the rankings and our only player who comes close to world class is not even there. Benni McCarthy makes Herschelle look as dependable as a pop-up toaster. When he's good he's amazing, but he's just so good at hitting low points. Parreira raised the eyebrows by not picking him, but then Mark Hughes did the same at club level to show how kak last year's second highest goalscorer in the premiership is really playing.

So we're in group D – FIFA has us as the lowest ranked team, but lets have a look see at what's going on:
Match 1, Wed 23 vs Angola, 9:30pm SA time.
One would think that after blowing them to pieces during the 80's we'd steamroll our northern buddies. They impressed the sceptics in Germany 2006, we weren't even there. If we don't at least come away with a point here, you can say bye bye Ghana, and maybe even Adios Carlos Alberta.

Match 2, Sun 27 vs Tunisia, 9:30pm SA time.
They've won it in recent times and are always good at club level. If we play well, it could be a close game.

Match 3, Thurs 31 vs Senegal, 7pm SA time.
Anyone who remembers Japan/Korea 2002 world cup knows that they're no lightweights. If we still have a chance by this stage then this could be a thriller. It might even distract me from Vensters.

From then it's two steps to the cup. Wildly pointing a finger at the Eto'o Cameroon or holders Egypt Semi and a Drogba Ivory Coast or a Essien Ghana final, but this is Africa and the unexpected is always expected.

bafana bafana

Games should be on SABC1, audible commentary on Radio2000. There's normally about a 3 second latency, so if we score on the radio switch immediately to TV audio for the LADUUUUUUUUUUUUMA! All assuming you've checked the load shedding schedule first.

One could be accused of being mildly unpatriotric, but a realist will always point to the bad form that's dogged a wildly unexciting tenure for our million dollar Brazilian. If he can get captain Mokoena to hold it steady at the back, then our star playmaker Steven Pienaar could supply the bullets to Zuma's machine gun. Umshini Wam!

now you can laugh/cry and Alt + F4 in disgust

Some handy positions not found in Kama sutra v1.0

2008-01-09T12:55:00.001+02:00

Okay now faithful readers, bare with me hear as we do some hand origami.

Position one:

Curl your thumb and forefinger into a C-shape, and face it forward as if grabbing an imaginary horizontal pole, the rest of your fingers should follow the forefinger. Now straighten the curve on thumb and the group of fingers, so there is a proper 'V' between thumb and forefinger if viewed from the side.

Position two:

Otherwise known as the 'Texan Longhorn salute'. Make a fist and hold it in front of you, palm down. Extend your forefinger and pinkie finger, whilst the other three digits remain in the fist, thumb tucked around your middle finger.

Position three:

Take your right hand and do the V 'victory' sign. Now turn it completely downwards; your forefinger and middle finger should be pointing to the ground.

Practice these three positions, once you have mastered them well enough it will be clear that you can proceed straight to the finishing positions.

Learn them.

Learn them well, they are your friends.

This is just a gap so you don't rush down and read the end, remind yourself to wash your car tonight, scrub with the left and practice the positions with your right hand.

Like all friends they have names, not numbers like i have explained them here.

Position One is really called Crocodile.

Position Two is really called Sting Ray.

Position Three is really called Steve Irwin.

Crocodile beats Sting Ray beats Steve Irwin which of course beats Crocodile.

Can I have my beach back, please??

2008-01-08T08:42:00.000+02:00

So the first of the first is always carnage. Luckily it's just one day, but the broken bottles do sit on the streets and pavements for a while. I thought of bastardizing Mzoli's into Muizies somehow, but I quickly realised that preppy dressed sunday boozers in GTi's have nothing to do with mama themba swimming in her undies.

Phone camera pics I apologize for, but you get the point.

East beach is severely overrun

Doef Doef

Party like it's 1994

Let's call a spade a spade

2008-01-07T10:33:00.000+02:00

So somehow the damn aussies managed to win the bloody second test. With 12 balls left, india still had three wickets in hand to bat out for the draw. Michael Clarke, with a grand total of 20 test wickets to his name manages to take all three in the penultimate over.

But the big story is Harbajan getting banned for three games for calling Andrew 'Roy' Symonds a monkey.

It's not even the first time either.

But hey, one can decide for oneself really

Bananas anyone?

Robbie Hunter is going to look like a tool

2008-01-04T00:57:00.000+02:00

So Barlowworld are in for another big year, they've retained Hunter, Soler and even aqcuired Baden Cooke (gonna be tough supporting an aussie) and some italian sprinter called spaghetti.

They're not a Pro Tour team yet,as these things only get updated every three years or so, and somehow Astana and old T-Mobile's licence hasn't been handed to our boys. But they'll still do the big events, and should get invites to giro and le tour.

The one thing that they've really screwed up is changing bikes to Bianchi. Bianchi bikes are well known for their 'celeste' colour, and but no one is budging with the barlowworld red/blue horrible clash. Imagine what it'll look like with the kit as well. The only positive is a possible green for Robbie

Foei Tog!

Partycab???

2008-01-03T08:46:00.000+02:00

So back in the day i used to be a pro bike rider in Vancouver..doing this:

Of course I thought about bringing it to Cape Town...for about a millisecond, it just won't work as the traffic will not allow it..oh well, good luck.

******************************************************

A Cape Town entrepreneur has launched a new way to get around the city that is fun, cheap and has a minimal carbon footprint.

Chris Swanepoel, 45, of Durbanville, the man behind the city's new Bike Taxi Service, already provides daily tours around the Waterfront and city centre - but avoids steep hills.

Swanepoel has six cycle rickshaws, which are made up of 18-speed bicycles pulling a small two-seater carriage.

'The trend now is green, environmentally friendly transport'
Swanepoel said the idea for cycle rickshaws came to him four months ago during a visit to a gardening centre. "I saw this old rusty bicycle and the concept just came to me."

He believes the service could also play a role in reducing traffic problems during the 2010 World Cup. "With all the traffic congestion problems, and with 2010 in mind, I thought it was a great idea."

However, before Swanepoel, who is an accredited tour guide for the Western Cape, took to the roads he researched bicycle travel and took his bicycle taxi on a trial run in the city.

"I wanted to see motorists' attitudes towards the bicycle taxi and what would be the best speed for me to travel."

Safety is also a high priority. "I'm going to get some sort of disposable helmet for the passengers," he said.

A welding company in Brackenfell is putting the cycles and the carriages together, and he aims to have 20 bicycle taxis completed by September.

Swanepoel has been operating from the V&A Waterfront for three weeks and said he had been receiving positive responses from motorists and pedestrians alike.

"Besides the customers who walk by and decide to take a ride, a few guest houses in the city have called me to arrange something for their clients.

"My goal is for hotels in the city to rent the bicycles, which can then provide transport for guests. However, I also plan for the cyclists to be trained as tour guides so they can tell their passengers about the city."

He charges R20 per trip.

Although he has paid for the construction of most of the bicycle taxis, his first one was sponsored by a friend, Margaret Stewart.

"The trend now is green, environmentally friendly transport, and we also have 2010 coming up, so the timing is perfect," she said.

Swanepoel added: "This is just a fun, healthy experience and people really enjoy it."

Long day out - WPASS 100

2007-12-21T00:26:00.000+02:00

It had been an interesting journey to the startline. Dangerous Davo hadn’t been on his bike since he quit the Epic after his sponsors all fell away in rapid succession. Schticky Stevo had sat on his ass with a fractured scaphoid and then an elongated femoral patella ligament. Training had been condensed into two babbelaas induced paddle sessions in this funny craft the K2 (AKA the purple turtle, doing his first race since I picked him up at an auction for R400). A Saturday start at noon saw us assuming the mantle of wannabe rockstars, hitting the pubs Friday night when there was still packing and preparation to be done. Enough equipment to find Livingston was thrown in the back of a bakkie and we were on our way to the mission dorpie of Genadendal, and the start of 2007’s WPASS 100.

row row your boat

Neither of us had done anything like a 100km adventure race, and it showed by our embarrassing logistic setup in the hour before the start. With 10 minutes to go, Stevo was battling a leaky valve and didn’t know where his headlamp, or car keys were. In a mad rush I ducttaped the valve to one side to stop the leak, it lasted the full 60kays this dodgy way. Somehow we got on the line with seconds to spare and we were off, ahead lay a:
4km run
15km river (and I use that definition loosely) paddle
60km MTB
25km hike

the locals checking out the scene..the hike is in the background

We were the only team to do the sneaky shortcut to the first PC by crossing the river, my pre-race recce did not show up the knee deep quicksand and pretty soon we were wet, dirty and last. It’s a relative term in a race with only 9 teams (2 of them on the ‘Lite’ course), and we all arrived within minutes at the first transition – the paddle on the Riviersondereind. Interestingly there were a bunch of locals hitting the klippies round a braai who had already nicked the one team’s croc and were beating a poke-slow and ultimately unsuccessful getaway down the river.

For those unfamiliar with paddle craft, there is a loose tradeoff between speed and stability when choosing your steed. You want to be on the fastest thing that you can keep upright, and this was actually both of our first times on an actual river. It was reassuring that we got over the first weir unscathed with teams swimming on both banks. There were sections with hidden sandbanks, twisty routes through papyrus forests, the odd rapid and a few flat open sections. Disaster struck quickly as the right pedal hinge sheered off totally in a tight section and we were swimming. No excuses from me, as I do treat the boat worse than a cheating ex-girlfriend, no such thing as time wasted on maintenance. Just like the competitive male model industry, things are tough if you are not an ambi-turner, and a MacGyver plan was hatched. A strip of duct tape was wound onto the control wire, which was pulled over the right knee. It was uncomfortable, but kinda worked in the easier sections. The paddle had its moments; a few narrow escapes from under tree branches, a mid rapid swamping, and lots of missions into papyrus beds – but somehow we got the turtle to the transition. We weren’t even last, with Uge’s Quinton swearing like a trooper at his boat/team/river behind us.

The awesome side of this little event/sport now showed up. The organizers had transported our bikes and 1 crate of kit to the transition. We gooied the k2 down, kitted up in our bike stuff, had some spagbol and were on our way. Schoolboy error #2 showed us up rather quickly. A waterproof map holder only works if you actually close it, and our route map was a soggy mess that would pass as any homework ‘my dog ate it’ excuse. Luckily we were with two other teams, and with the temperature in the mid 30’s and a stiff 20knot breeze, it made sense to stick together. We caught up with another team at a missing pc which had been swiped by locals. There was a fairly long climb which we came off rather well, stopping for a quick dip in a farm dam to stave off the heat. By now we had pushed into second place and hit the Dirtopia downhill with some vigour. We had another bummer when Davo punctured halfway down, the culprit was a now battered porcupine quill. Good thing he changes flats quicker than Jacob runs to a post-coital shower and we got to the next PC still ahead of the pack. It’s prudent to note now that the leaders had about a 90 minute lead and it was really a race for second. It’s really handy when you throw training, experience and talent into the equation and those boys really mocked us hackers.

Back to the race, we were now facing a big decision, there were two PC’s a hundred meters apart, separated by 30m of river. We got to the first PC clipped, and Davo found another puncture, Stans tubeless really is worth every one of the five hundred bucks you throw at it. I scouted for an easier crossing upstream but returned with another team and looked into wading across. With bike above my head, I turned around once it got to chin level. The other team proceeded to swim their bikes across; not easy (or clever) I thought. By now quite a pile-up had emerged and some bright spark noted that you could swim there and back to your bikes, which we all then did. It involved a bit of Rambo papyrus rushing, and a swim with leadlike mtb shoes on. The last 15km was a real slog into the wind (we passed the bike swimmers, who got a karmic puncture for abusing their bikes) and one had to try not look at the sheer mountain we had to tackle next. We pulled into the transition in second spot to as much cheers as you can get from 10 tired race supporters, and slowly set about getting food and changing. A 40 minute turn around time is not quick, and we let two teams overtake us here. We weren’t overly fussed by this, as we just wanted to finish and our lack of training would really hurt us if we pushed on at this point.

So bellies full and warmed up after scraping a kit inspection (fair enough, it probably did look like we might take all week-end to knock off the remaining leg) we headed up the hill in the falling light. The hike route seemed just as navigationally straightforward as the rest of the race, and sure enough we all took the same route up, up, up and over the mountain and down the other side. We paused for a great sunset. Such a great sunset that it's getting two sentences here, as it just spread over the valley in pinks, purples, oranges and all that's in between. I’d throw in a third, but you had to be there.

It’s probably a good thing it got dark, as it was a long way up. The stat was quoted as 1800m vertical in 16km, not too sure how that works as it was a 22km roundtrip but you don’t need numbers to explain that it was steep and relentless. Sure enough we all took the same route, when actually there was a longer but much easier option. Hindsight is great, we were on the circular Genadendal two day trail; where one route is up and over, the other more around the mountain. We all felt a little silly as Mikey had gone to great lengths to point out a farm that should be avoided on the easier option, but I think it also had a bit to do with the map in two pieces as the flatter option was much harder to conceive. Anyway, lesson learnt (again) that route planning is just as important as overall fitness.

Along the way we crossed a few rivers, and saw plenty of huge insects to keep the mind off the task at hand. We had missed the only junction and actually let two more teams past whilst we backtracked. The team pulling up the rear did the same, but spectacularly bundu’d up the mountain much to the amusement of all watching the roaming headlights from below. Finally we saw the leaders on their way down and could gauge how long the leg would take us. Disappointingly they were running, full of smiles and cheers – ready for another lap. Of course they would be in bed before we returned.

It’s never easy finding a PC in the dark, but this one was a massive rock that appeared out of the blackness, our oasis in the desert, and a welcome sign that we could turn around and go home. The race for second had three teams just 20 minutes ahead of us at this point, but there was no fight left for a chase and that was the last we saw of them. When we eventually pulled into the school at the finish there were a few tired souls around, a cup of coffee and a great muffin to munch on whilst we recollected the last 14 hours of madness.

pretty bushed, its 2am

All in all it was a really good event, well organized by volunteers who do it because they just love the sport. First prize is a T-Shirt and a bottle of wine, awesome! CapeStorm gooied a few prizes in as did Constantia pharmacy. Mike had to do a lot of running around and switching to the course due to the original bike and paddle being logistically washed out two just weeks earlier. I think the only reason why there are 9 and not 30+ teams is that December is just too busy a month, in every other respect it’s an event and club worth supporting. Well done to Owen and Hano for making us all look like amateurs with a three and half hour winning margin.

Take the phone and run

2007-12-20T00:57:00.000+02:00

So it’s the worst Christmas for years if you’re a retailer. The NCA has cut the easy credit card hand out scheme that got people spending (much) more than they really had. I found another way to get some credit, and am yet to find the catch.

You might have seen Makro, Game, Hyperama advertising their ‘Cash voucher’ deals that come with a cellphone contract purchased instore. Having to shell out a bunch of cash for some big-ticket items for my new bachelor pad, I looked into it further at Makro, and here’s the deal:
Week-end everyday contract (R200 activation + R135 x 24months)
Free nokia ring ring phone (value R300)
120 off peak minutes
R2900 gift voucher
Do the math and for R200 upfront you get all that. I looked at it as a way to get an upfront loan that I pay off over 2 years.
Some simple sums gives you: 200 + 135*24=R3440
Some better sums with Excel takes interest into account {PV(8%/12, 24, 135)}+ 200 = 3184.

So that’s it, in present terms you get all the above for R3184, what is the catch?
a)R2900 gift voucher doesn’t cost them R2900, assume an average 30% markup on store items and it’s costing them R2070.
b)They’ve done the research, and the average spend will be well over the R135/month.

Of course I’m a geek and went for a fancier phone, but my 3G enabled Samsung still came with two grands worth of spending money, which I immediately spent. If you need to buy anything big, can discipline yourself to only use the free minutes and don’t mind waiting around for about 45 minutes then it’s silly not to go for it.

What's even worse is the people who still pay R3000+ for a fancy pre-paid phone.

Long day out

2007-12-14T08:39:00.000+02:00

Ignorance is bliss, pity we know we are in for an ass-kicking.

So despite some early interest from the Amsterdam mtb phenom and the paddle guru, it's just dangerous dave and the singletrack steve taking on the wpass 100.

Dave's been hitting the sauce ever since Tito got a firm grip on his balls, and well I've been rather inactive since the scaphoid/patella fiasco. Throw a 65/35/20 bike/hike/paddle at us, and we're in the dark for sure.

Being a fairly low-rent event, there's unlikely to be more than 10 teams, so prizes are a definite if we finish. Having a look at the weather report, and it's better to run away. It's going to be hot, and then rainy at night..

.....Genadendal here we come..

The Waiting is Over

2007-12-12T09:31:00.000+02:00

When Lance pulled into Paris for magical win number 7, it must have been tempting to stick it out for another year and obliterate the competition again. Instead he took the brave decision to quit whilst he was still at the top of his game. Sport is full of heroes who just couldn’t see when to quit and ended up with not a bang but a wimper.

sh1t Dave before he was a loser

Now poor old Dave really has had a rough few weeks. Firstly he loses the Dave-off at the Muizenberg Festival of Beer (drat, where’s the link? must discipline those lazy staff reporters). So to all and sundry, he is now known as Sh1t Dave.

tuffies if you missed it

Then he rocks up to Sassu ’08 with the air of an expectant rockstar. Sure he’s been part of an all conquering Laser team that has a win streak heading back to a time when beer was R50/case, but reputations alone don’t get you round a course. Don’t forget the two year break since Sassu ’05 and a six month ban under a regulation Rule 69 violation. With boats only materializing on the week-end and not much in the way of stiff competition, sh1t Dave still decided to forgo any training and jet in from overseas the day before the regatta. He’s an old hand, putting the finishing touches to a Ph.D he expects next year, which will put an end to the eternal life of a student (hence SASSU retirement).

Predictably the UCT/HIV team skip into the final and face up against a Maties team known better for off water antics. Hardly stiff opposition to our multiple gold winning hero, and the real moniker being Richard ‘Snailtrail’ H-S being in the wynboer team. Now Snailtrail got that nickname from sh1t Dave himself, when he was regrettably a UCT sailor (we all have our flaws), and a ‘poke slow’ teammate of sh1t Dave.

Well the maties romped home to a win in perfect conditions, sh1t dave was reduced to tears and ordered a funnel on exiting the arena. The longest minute of his life (just pipped ahead of the 200 minutes his poppie took to fill her immense bladder) ended him a mere mortal, and loser for his final curtain in sassu competition.

In the days following an unexpectant loss like this, normally scapegoats are found and soulsearching reveals the reasons for the agony. However this time it was quite clear, as much as sh1t Dave was a part of the mean machine, the real star player all these years was Craig ‘Selwyn’ Sterling. With Selwyn now following the career path in legal fraud practitioning, there was no-one to carry Dave to gold anymore..now that we really think about it, he’s fortunate to crawl away with silver.

Thabo vs JayZ

2007-12-06T07:22:00.001+02:00

ok, about time for some political commentary again. Remember kids this
is a two horse race for ANC prez, which is not necessarily SA prez.
it's all very Yanky with two candidates, but the neutral observer
would go for Tokyo in a heartbeat:
* badass rich black businessman
* blonde poppie trophy wife
* has his own TV show
* first name will give him kudos with the Japs
* surname is way better than Zuma (the Sex Whale)

Judy would be the new Winnie, what has Zanele Mbeki done for you
recently, I ask? As for brother JZ, he has about 4 at the moment (and
was married to the cow that is Nkososana) so you can hardly tick that
box

Twilight Madness

2007-12-05T07:22:00.000+02:00

So the team got kitted out in company colours and lined up for the annual Community chest Twilight challenge.

It's a 4.5km loop from Grand Parade through Long Street and Company Gardens. And because there are 23 000 people, it is not a run, but a monumental piss-up!

Only took about 15 minutes/1 beer to get over the start line.

Some dodgy dudes in Long Street.

Some would say that trolleys are cheating, who are we to complain?

All in all, a great night out, course done in a blistering 105 minutes

Another great sale

2007-12-05T07:05:00.000+02:00

So we missed the Great annual CapeStorm sale with the Rocking The Daisies clash.

Lucky lucky First Ascent did the same thing, with a secret email campaign. It was carnage..check all the kiddies lining up for their christmas presents!

Of course the usual whim purchases of don't need/must have stuff took place, but just managed to stay under the 1bar mark...Definitely money well wasted

no más de Pedro

2007-12-03T04:50:00.000+02:00

Ardent followers would remember the Germexican's little retreat which was recently chronicalled here. There's been a fair amount of interest in a follow-up, and I did look into it, but with 10 days of meditation there just wasn't much substance for a full-blown post. He does have a neat 10cm gash on his stomach now (right about where your kidney is), similar to the one where they removed my appendix....fishy indeed.

What will be of more interest to the general public is what has transpired since Pedro has returned to the real world. In a secrecy shrouded international trip he has indeed finally emerged with what looks something like formal employment. There's a definite movie script in it, as it involves private jets, surgeons and oligarchs.

I had heard enough and had to put my foot down, we all know what happened to all who lived with Yuri the Russian earlier this year, so the kid is out the surf shack from January. He mumbled something about getting kitted out with the vegan in some little base not far from the ocean.
For those of you who can do maths, it'll be plainly obvious that that makes one free room available in the fine pink establishment down south. We're only looking at bikini models for now, but will be willing to put you on the waiting list if your credentials match up.

it had to happen

2007-11-25T09:42:00.000+02:00

Following my incredibly successful fantasy rugby Super12 team of 2005, '15 Burgers- no fries' is no mean feat. Now despite being SA's most valuable player (according to those of us who actually understand how the game works) the Incredible Schalk is no Bobby when it comes to marketing himself.

The ridiculous hairdo and his OUTsurance profile will always be hard to emerge from, but this could be a step in the right direction. Of course there's no co-incidence in a fast-food product being backed by a dude who famously has no respect for his own body or health.

Gloria bares all

2007-11-21T09:10:00.000+02:00

I really can't believe it. It's an absolute no-brainer like the advantages of shimano's rapid rise gear shifting(google it if you're lost). Gloria has got be the greatest relationship I've ever had. She wants for little, and gives plenty in return. Did I forget to mention that she has NEVER gone premenstrual on me? If you're still not convinced that she is the greatest girl on the planet, then i suggest you read on.

So the other day we were soaking up some rays with Cape Town's social set at Muizenberg's surfer's corner. We'd gone for a little spin on the newly revamped Supertube and I shot a 19 on the back nine of the golf course (sorry, I forget we have two, that should read the BLUE course).

Now Muizies is really coming back in flavour these days, the honeys are wall to wall and excitement is high with the impending opening of a 'Sinful' ice cream store. So we were fooling around with the volleyball net when things got a bit competitive. Now mixed doubles volleyball is all about the ability of your chick to dig and the boy to spike. Now G can dig with best and my spike might as well be a surf report, but we were playing against Neil and Kerry, who do this stuff all the time. We lost the best of five at 23's in the fifth, which is naelskraap if you know your volleyball scoring. The consequence of defeat was of course a skinny dip, and Mr McKenzie had his fancy pancy new Cybershot out in a flash to document the evidence. Gloria is quite comfy with the camera and seems to have no skaam when flashing assets.

Now I'm not the jealous type, and I'm happy with the 'look but don't touch' rules. Now some people might have problems at work viewing these pictures, as they are shall we say only with bikini bottoms on. So if you're under 18, i'm only warning you once.

Oh yeah

more of that please

that's enough now

Gloria has a Stalker

2007-11-20T08:39:00.000+02:00

I like some of that

Well I've had some serious complements about my uber hot fiancé Gloria since this post.

So much, that it's going to be Gloria week here at team Deep South.

first up, and I hope all facebook addicts are listening up here, it's a dodgy world out there. I can't believe some people will leave some seriously personal information hanging out like dirty laundry. Just incase you think I'm paranoid, check out the totally random dude who is now totally stalking Gloria.

White Heart and Lame

Yip, not sure how he found her, but his name is Sam, he's a british yob who supports Tottenham Hotspur (a soccer club) and his local tattoo parlour.

So hot right now

Deep stuff, bru

I'm pretty sure he's a soccer hooligan and on the FIFA blacklist of known riot inciters. So we need some feedback here, does Gloria accept the friend request?

Well if that ain't a message

Those crawlies stand no chance

2007-11-19T08:24:00.000+02:00

So there we have it, quota within an hour of the West Coast Rock Lobster season opening.

Could it be due to the local knowledge of where the large kreef are hiding, maybe the delicious combo of fresh pilchards, snoek heads and seaweed extract?

Possibly so, but we do now have the fastest kreefing boat on the Weskus now, we were at Dassen with nets in the water before most of the okes had even launched. We lost one engine on the way back with a fuel issue, but with 7 250's we looked like a floating Habana.

In from the deep

2007-11-15T09:29:00.001+02:00

The hippie bunny huggers take another body shot as we are all excited
with the annual kreef pillage which started at sunrise this morning..

Good thing for us kreefsmokkelaars aren't as skilled as
perlemoensmokkelaars and there is a season for us to enjoy the finer
things in life. So how do you get your hands on one of these furry
monsters? There are many ways, we'll highlight the legal (but not
necessarily easiest) ones.
Buy a licence from your friendly lost office (about sixty bucks); then
get some snorkelling gear and head to cape point or find a boat with
suitable nets at kommetjie or houtbay. Hey presto! You have quota
(almost as easy as the 'roof).

Now for the fun part – steam the suckers in a thumbwidth of saltwater
for 9 minutes. They should be red like a barmy army cricket fan after
a Kallis double century by now. You might hear a high pitched
squealing noise during the process. This is not cause for alarm in any
way. Of course you threw them in the boiling water alive (they're
fresh, i hope), but they are very very definitely not screaming for
help in there. If they had capabilities of oral communication, I'm
pretty sure they would protest as soon as you took them out the water.
It's of course steam escaping from the carapace and a good sign that
your pot is hot enough.

Allow to cool (or splash with cold water), and butterfly the bad boy
to remove the pooptube. Garlic butter, whiskey mayo or even Nando's
perinnaise, the sauce is a hot topic. I always go for a second
opinion. Repeat process from second paragraph ad nauseum or easter
week-end.

Revenge of the Nerds Part VI

2007-11-14T09:29:00.000+02:00

Wow, somehow this is the 100th post, and I can't think of a better subject to bring in such a heady milestone.

I hope Santa is still monitoring this page, I want one....turn your bog-standard X-Y scope into an analogue clock..I KNOW!

If you don't realise how mindbogglishly groundbreakingly awesome this is, well then you'll never understand, so explanations are futile. Just watch the movie series, the jocks lose everytime.

More info

Keep those Sundays free

2007-11-12T08:41:00.000+02:00

ok, so here's another of those good reasons to be a capetonian. What an awesome line-up?...the tickets are the same story, on sale from friday morning....expect Seether to be sold out by lunchtime, and yes they are actually pretty good acousitc. check this one out:

Funny that Appletizer have dropped out after long support, but who really needs sponsors for this, it's always packed!

25 November
Vusi Mahlasela *
2 December
Old Mutual Encounter
Chris Chameleon & Neo Muyanga
9 December
Love Jones
10/11/12 December
Michael Bublé
13/14/15/16 December
Carols by Candlelight
23 December
Flat Stanley
30 December
Plush
31 December
94.5 Kfm & Drostdy-Hof New Year’s Eve Concert
Freshlyground & Dr Victor and The Rasta Rebels
JANUARY 2008
6 January
Seether *
13 January
Fokofpolisiekar
20 January
Watershed *
27 January
McCully Workshop
FEBRUARY 2008
3 February
Old Mutual Encounter
Ismaël Lô
10 February
The Parlotones *
17 February
The Rudimentals
24 February
Arno Carstens *
MARCH 2008
2 March
Old Mutual Choral Encounter
9 March
Goldfish *
16 March
Old Mutual Encounter
Karen Zoid & Selaelo Selota
23 March
Cape Philharmonic Orchestra *
30 March
The Jonny Cooper Orchestra
APRIL 2008
5 April
UCT Rag Concert
6 April
Louise Carver
Ticket Prices:
Standard ticket price R40
Concerts marked with * R50
Old Mutual Encounters R50

beware the careless whisper

2007-11-09T11:21:00.001+02:00

The hippies really are in for a torrid time on this site. They really
had it coming to be honest.

My mexican flatmate tells me he's gonna be away for a week to ten
days. That normally means he has an epic surfari, transkei drugrun or
housesitting on his menu. This time it's a little different. He's
going on a 'retreat'. It's what guys like Billy from Green Day have to
do when they can't take rehab anymore and need to find inspiration
elsewhere. I think Hunter S. was on a permanent one. I know I'm going
to be subjected to endless stories in future about this pending week,
I fear it is going to be Pedro's "Band Camp". The real irony is that
it sounds like he's not going to be doing much.

It's on a farm somewhere near the gamadoelas, and every day is started
at 4.30am for coffee and biscuits. They then sit around till the main
meal of the day, round noon. In the afternoon they each have a half
hour one-on-one session with the main guru. Then it's off to bed after
sunset. The rules are quite simple, no talking or gesturing between
each other - ever. No phones or any other contact with outside world
allowed.

Of course once I was finished laughing (took a while) I had to ask if
I could slate him about it. His reply didn't really matter, as it's
pretty much fair game. We figured that the only legal form of self
expression left is farting, which is actually not too dissimiliar to
the crap he normally talks about.

The big wtf amongst many is that the week is free/gratis/mahala.
There's no such thing as a free lunch, even if it is lentils and boot
leather. Does anyone out there know how to check that you still have
both kidneys?

We'll have to keep an update on this one, I do hope he keeps his mouth
shut and makes the full week. That's mostly because I sublet his room
out to the Swedish bikini team on their pre season training camp.

what to do when the russian mail-order option is too much commitment

2007-10-30T19:02:00.001+02:00

So the whole facebook thing was getting a little tired, and required
some spicing up. Sure it's great for organising events and seeing
who's doing what, but does it really do more than just pull email,
flickr/picasa and youtube into one easier platform. Not really, and
the backlash has started in earnest; most companies are blocking it
and users are reducing their interest or unsubscribing totally. So a
little research project was started to see how much people monitor the
feeds, what they will react to and the extent of their gullibility.

So a second profile was created with a clear sanction to be my new
superhot girlfriend.
She had to be smoking hot, but obviously not someone too famous.
I went with Melissa Theurieau, she's a french newsreader, and fitted
the bill perfectly (to quote Ali G, "i most definitely would"). I'm
prepared to swap the William Webb Ellis trophy and Riaan Cruywagen for
her, the frogs must be well informed these days. A 'random scene'
picture was easily found. (of course now I digressed to other
newsreaders of note ).

I went with a name that was easy to prove the whole charade was a
joke. Gloria Stits (glorious tits) was born. Surprisingly only one
person(A) picked this up.

I let another person(B) in on the act, and she wanted to know how
Gloria could replace a tangible. Real-life girlfriend. The advantages
clearly outweigh the negatives if we peruse this list:
super hot (+)
doesn't waste my time when not required (+)
never nagged once (+)
I see her when I feel like it (+)
doesn't mind if I go out drinking with the boys (+)
never queries any of my actions (+)
writes nice things on my wall (+)
doesn't mind if I score other girls (+)
super hot (+)
I could go on, ad nauseum, but you get the point
now for the negatives
Not a good cook(-)
only told me jokes i already knew (-)
had a funny name, someone asked if she cleaned windows (-)
Of course (B) asked what it was like having a girlfriend where I
hardly got any action. Unless you're dating a nympho, it's normally
easier just to go to Tin Roof once a week round midnight. (as Standard
Bank would say: Simpler. Better. Faster.)

Like many girls, I did get bored with her, so I staged a messy
break-up. In facebook terms it was totally fugly. My wall was abused
beyond repair (that's a lie, I had to go delete the bad ones, like any
normal grieving boyfriend would). (E) sent me her commiserations (and
a personal comment on the tragedy of going from a romantic week-end to
full break-up in a matter of hours). I replied to her saying I
wouldn't miss her and she was a cow.
To keep it interesting, that night I scored Gloria's sister. I wanted
to call her Villuptia, but i thought that was pushing it a tad far.
I got a lot of high-fives from the boys for screwing around with my ex's sister.
In keeping with the week that was, of course I got back together with
Gloria the next day.
Then later the next week we got engaged (at about this time I seemed
to have lost all sense of respectability, and was going to milk it
till it dried up).

So what did she achieve in her three weeks of existence?
My last girlfriend removed me as a friend sometime (hard to confirm
that Gloria was responsible, but I'm sure she had a hand in it).
Had a few conversations with friends, (C ) was totally oblivious and
actually sent in a friend request to her. (D) luckily bluffed me into
revealing her identity eventually, but not after inviting Gloria to
his birthday party (tried in vain to hire an actress for the night).

What did we learn about facebook?
it takes a while before most people react to something
some people react to everything
some people monitor their notifications, and then approach you in real
life rather
a lot of boys like to see a player playing at the top of his game
it's ridiculous what you can sneak past some people
if you have to lie about anything, learn how to cover your tracks

So it's all out there now, who knows what backlash will come from the
realisation that i was fooling around....but if you think online
girlfriends are the way forward, look her up and 'add her to your
friends list' (she's a two bit slut who'll stop at nothing for some
cyber hanky panky)

if not and you want to improve your french, then I recommend a heavy dose of Melissa

The great organic swindle.

2007-10-30T09:09:00.001+02:00

We should have shot all the hippies when we had the chance, nowadays
there's no humane way for us to get rid of them and I fear they are
taking over. This whole global warming thing is giving them
unparralleled exposure as every Tom, Dick and Hannes is doing their
little bit to save the planet. I stress 'little' there, as spending
twenty bucks a pop to convert your entire lighting setup to CFL's is
the electricity equivalent to farting against thunder.

So Rocking the Daisies was termed a Carbon Neutral/Green festival.
Tickets were printed on hemp(but I still got a receipt), you could
cycle there for reduced entry fee (but fine to drive home). There was
little difference to last year's unGreen (is it brown?) festival, and
the final nail was that they planted five olive trees on the property.
Spare me the effort of pointing out how ridiculously pointless the
whole exercise was.

So what does it mean when your shop item has 'Organic' emblazened on the cover?
Anyone who did matric science would say there is Carbon in the product.
The hippies will tell you its grown with love and not chemicals.
The realist will point out it's almost twice the price.

When you buy champagne, by law it comes from the Champagne region of
France. Made anywhere else it must be called Methode Cap Classique
(sparkling wine is just a fancy soda stream experiment). Similarily a
bottle of Estate wine must be made from grapes grown on the property.
Locally there are draft regulations for the term Organic, but there's
no recourse for defaulters jumping on the bandwagon. So if you really
feel strong about it and want to support the whole process, you still
have to do your homework by reading labels, researching organic
websites and talking to hippies(filtering out the bullsh1t in the
process).

By now you're wondering what the biltong picture is doing there.
Woolies now have free-range droewors. It's pricey (R50/180g), but at
least you know that Daisy got to chill in a nice field before she was
butchered for her meat. I'd like to know what a non-free range cow
does to while away the hours in their batteries.

On the subject of wors, did you know that there is a difference
between 'boerewors' and 'b/wors'. It's not just due to space
constraints on the label. The first is subject to ingredient
regulations and the second could be anything.

Bok's parade route

2007-10-25T14:35:00.001+02:00

ok, 43 people are joining Schalk and Jake as they finally get to come
home on Sunday..here's the schedule...Forries pub lunch anyone?
Sunday 28 October
18h30 Arrival at the Cape Town International Airport
19h00 Departs for team hotel
Monday 29 October
06h15 Selected Springbok players to SABC
07h00 Morning Live interviews
10h45 Team departure to City Hall, Cape Town
11h15 Team arrival at City Hall
11h30 Players greet Capetonians from balcony of the City Hall Mayor to
deliver speech
12h00 Players board bus, start of street parade; From Darling Street
right into Adderley Street; Along Adderley, right turn into Strand
Street; Up Strand Street and left into Long Street; Along Long Street,
right into Buitensingel; Up Buitensingel and right turn into Loop
Street; Along Loop Street and right into Hans Strijdom Avenue; Left
turn into Heerengracht at the Fountain Circle, right turn into Hertzog
Boulevard; Along Hertzog Boulevard, onto M3 to Woolsack Drive turnoff.
13h15 Woodsack Drive turnoff, down towards Main Road, turn right into
Main Road; Along Main Road and left turn into Boundary Road, Newlands
13h45 Arrival at Newlands Rugby Stadium. Team enters the stadium,
parades World Cup to Capetonians. Handing over of Webb Ellis Trophy by
John Smit to SARU president, Oregan Hoskins on the field; Team enters
the Function Room for brief function

2 cups in 5 days

2007-10-25T14:33:00.001+02:00

So who's not feeling very proudly south african right now? We've had
the sportsglut's smorgasboard recently with the T20 and RWC keeping
the soapies off the tv schedule. In the interest of weaning off the
feast, the crew settled down to possibly the last time Bafana bafana
play in the Cosafa cup. That's mainly because the competition is
finally dead and Thabo doesn't dig 'the boys the boys' as a moniker.

So Cosafa cup, hey? basically a mini worldcup between all the southern
african teams. So we resort ourselves to the traditional superhouses
Botswana, Swaziland and Reunion. Kinda like the local rugby
superleague where maties have to go through the motions against
Kraaifontein, Strand and SK Walmers.

Surprisingly the Zam anthem is also Nkosi sikelel' afrika, but there
weren't that many people at Springbok Park to notice. Hopefully a few
more arrive for this week-end's currie cup final. Let's put this whole
thing in perspective:our home based players with a brazilian coach
playing at a stadium named after either a town on the N7 or the
national rugby team. Despite the patriotic fervour, there weren't many
bafana bafana or even springbok shirts in the audience. The colour of
choice was actually the green and white hoops of Bloemfentein Celtic,
which is a replica of an irish influenced soccer club from Scotland's
Glasgow.

Taking a lead from the scottish league, the score was 0-0 after 90
minutes. praise Jah we were spared extra time and it went straight to
penalties. We pulled through with a 4-3 win, despite Moeneeb Josephs
doing his best impersonation of a Wright brothers biplane. For those
who moan about quotas in rugby, the token whiteboy missed the one
penalty. The security guards were the first to congratulate the team
(they had a headstart on the crowd) and pretty soon it was a mad dash
for the sanctuary of the change rooms.

With less than 1000 days to 2010 kickoff now, it looks like our best
chance of a quarterfinal place relies mainly on a ridiculously easy
group, some magic from Madiba and a waitress called Suzy.

basking in the afterglow

2007-10-23T17:35:00.000+02:00

So whilst the hangover of RWC07 is still in attendance, we offer the
penultimate instalment of this years coverage. It's quite a task being
a well-known reader of the game, but the burden is worth it by
imparting sideline knowledge to even the most clueless of supporters.
Total strangers come up to me in the street to get my opinions and
views on pertinent issues in the world game. As a bonus gift to the
loyal readers, we clear up some grey areas and relive some highlights
today.

* Well the try that wasn't. It'll be pushing for #2 spot behind
Maradona's "Hand of God" for little reason beyond the fact that the
poms are indeed twats. I personally felt that Dickinson would give it
(but there's a reason why TMO's are not allowed 10 beers before they
make decisions), it was as close as you'll ever get to a 50-50 call.If
you want to see what a bad TMO decision looks like, watch the ARG-RSA
semi again. Cueto's foot was on the ground and lifted up somewhere
close to the touchline. The reason it took so long was because the
french editors couldn't understand his instructions for a
frame-by-frame view. They don't have TMO in French Rugby, and this was
a very low-rent move. If he had given it, would it have made a
difference? Definitely not the 7 extra points they are claiming, as
Jonny W kicked the penalty they got from the immediate advantage.
Probably not the conversion either as the penalty kick hit the posts
anyway and that was from 20 metres in. So we are talking about a 2
point decision here. 15-8 final score. Of course Cueto (what a pansie
surname, btw) still maintains his instincts tell him he scored. Yes he
could tell that his toe never touched chalk whilst 115kgs of bull
shoved him sideways. like I said, TWAT.
* there's extreme irony that in finishing the 'IRPA try of the year',
Takudza Ngwenya made the 'IRB player of the year' Bryan '11' Habana
look very ordinary. Bryan did the right thing by shepherding him
towards touch, but didn't quite expect the absolute burst of speed -
an outside break is a truly beautiful thing. Great try, but not
exactly a factor in a plenty-nothing scoreline. For me the obvious
candidate takes the prize for poise, execution and absolute result. Of
course we're looking at the injury time, come from behind move, that
involved the entire Bulls team to turn around the Super14 final. That
move puts Bryan on the shortlist for 'try of the decade'.
*For the first time in living memory Derick Hougaard loses his title
as the SA rugby player who receives the most BJ's. Fair enough it was
a world cup year and he wasn't in the squad, nor did his team make the
currie cup finals. The rise and rise of Frans Steyn looked like
swinging it the way of the 20 year old wonderboy who can do no wrong.
Sure enough he had it for the taking, but was pipped by one of his
Sharks teammates for the dubious title. Butch has been around the
block, and whilst he doesn't get as many opportunities as Frans(or
ever did) his conversion rate is pretty close to 100%. He is an
absolute dog, in the true Maritzburg tradition and we salute him
proudly. The continued irony of BJ Botha not even making the top 50
never goes unnoticed.
*So what's the greatest thing left behind by Jake? The value of the
Springbok Jersey. Whereas Straueli broke records for new caps and
centre pairings we had a team with 600+ collective games between them.
Chop and change at your peril.

Rugby in Black and White

2007-10-22T10:31:00.000+02:00

So not surprisingly the game of rugby is the topic of choice at every office, hairdressing saloon, restaurant table, taxi etc. as the whole nation emerges from a collective hangover rarely seen on any other day than January 1.

It is a real pity that it will be a long time till we repeat the success of 2007. It looks that the political maneauvoring that made Jake's job 'one that is designed to kill you' (his words) an even harder task post RWC07. We should be celebrating a great victory after meticulous planning and preparation, instead we are probably looking at the premature death of our National Rugby team.

We could embark on a journey as the dominant force in the world game for an extended period. England and France are a mess, Australia have lost a lot of their top players (and they don't have many to start with) and New Zealand are looking at a massive shake-up and clear-out. Even the Argentinian emergence will take a hit as retirements and continued tri-nations exclusion hamper them.

Instead we are going to see the demographic make-up of the 1st XV become an even hotter politcal potato than it already is. The same idiot who told JW to stay out of politics, is already complaining that the winning side was too white. The whole Jake vs Luke saga was just an indication of the mess that is going to be our starting line-up. If the wrong people get their way, not even the newly crowned IRB player of the year will make the starting 15.

We could be accused of half-empty glasses, but it's a unfortunately the reality. The name Bhutana Khompela is going to become well known. The biggest selling book this christmas? - 'Black and White': Jake's take on what goes behind the scenes. Enjoy the heady days while they last.

My blood are green #3

2007-10-19T08:30:00.001+02:00

an even better thing about the select readership is being able to
plagiarize stuff that is itself already plagiarized. (incidentally
rugbyheaven.co.nz have changed their url back from rugbyhell.co.nz,
which was their immediate reaction to the loss to Les Bleus)

Want to know what the others think of the Boks? Rugbyheaven.co.nz's
Marc Hinton gives his view.

That was how the All Blacks could have played. Should have played. An
exercise in clinical finishing, punishment of opposition errors and
how to play front-running rugby. The Springboks are the team New
Zealand could have been, if they were good enough.

That's the stark realisation that struck me after watching the South
Africans secure their place in next weekend's World Cup final, and
with it, surely, their second global title. Only a rugby god with a
cruel sense of perspective would reward the limited, if gritty,
England side with a second straight crown.

It's been impressive stuff from the Boks, pretty much throughout the
tournament. They made the most emphatic of statements with their 36-0
dismantling of England in pool play, lost concentration a bit with
their second-string outfit against Tonga, took care of the rest easily
enough and then survived a Fijian comeback in the quarter-final and
were good enough to win easing away.

Then, when it really counted, when they were up against a legitimate
threat, which Marcelo Loffreda's Pumas assuredly were, they took their
game up a level. They pounced on two intercepts, punished the
Argentinians for an error in possession for another and put Bryan
Habana into all the space he needed for the fourth. Meanwhile Percy
Montgomery – one of many individual success story in this Boks lineup
– kicked the goals with unerring precision.

The Pumas, like the French, were a team that could have been a real
handful if you let them. But the Boks never let them get a sniff. Each
time they'd look like working their way back into the match, the South
Africans would strike, either with a try or a penalty, and move the
buffer back out. In the end the Argentines were left playing a game of
catchup they were ill at ease with.

It was impressive stuff by the South Africans who I think will win
next weekend's final with some ease. Having spent some time around
them the week of their quarter-final in Marseille, I got a fair sense
of what they're about.

There's a real purpose about these Springboks, a feeling that destiny
is theirs to take. There's a slight inclination to take their eye off
the ball when they sense they don't have to produce their very best
(ie against Fiji) but when they know their A game is required, they're
good enough to deliver it.

I also don't think they've produced anything near their best since
that shutout of the English. Even then their forwards took a bit of a
knock back that day, conceding a couple of tightheads at scrum time
and struggling to impose in their normal physical fashion.

I expect them to respond in style in the final. And if that happens,
with the Boks' ability to finish, and to collect points at regular
intervals, they could pull away from an English side that needs to
keep the score low to have any chance.

There's no doubt that the All Blacks could have cut a similar swathe
through this tournament and, by rights, should have been squaring up
against them in what would have been an epic final next week.

But when it counted the New Zealanders could not put away an inferior
team. They could not make their dominance pay. They couldn't punish an
opponent struggling to stay in the match.

But there are also many more differences. This is a settled Boks
outfit. Graham Henry never gave his men a chance to go anywhere near
that state of comfort.

It's also a match hardened one. Most of these men played the entire
Super 14, the majority right to the very end, where, fittingly, two
South African sides fought out the final. When they needed a little
break to recharge the batteries, it was given them during the
meaningless test season, which was nothing more than a phoney war.

Do these Boks looked tired to you, as Henry insisted his All Blacks
would have been if he'd asked them to play maybe as many as 13 matches
in the Super 14? Like heck they do. There's a spring in their step, as
there should be with a world title right within their grasp.

As mentioned I expect them to win easily in the final. For Os du Randt
who is looking to bookend his remarkable career with World Cup crowns;
for the incomparable Victor Matfield who's off to play his rugby in
France; for Fourie du preez, the most complete halfback of this era;
for Montgomery who has reinvented himself as a classy test fullback;
for that fantastic skipper of theirs, the redoubtable John Smit; and
for young talents such as Bryan Habana, Frans Steyn, JP Pietersen,
Juan Smith and Schalk Burger who deserve the ultimate reward for their
endeavour.

But most of all I expect them to win because they're a balanced,
motivated, hardened, effective rugby team who can play whatever style
they have to in order to win a test match.

The addition of Eddie Jones was also a master stroke that cannot be
overplayed. Not only has the Australian's tactical acumen been vital,
but the pressure he has taken off Jake White as a confidante and
co-conspirator has been immense. The Boks coach, finally given an
offsider he respects, likes and is invigorated by, has been in his
element this World Cup.

Who knows, maybe as New Zealand continues its fruitless search for an
All Blacks coach with the vision and veracity to bring back the World
Cup, they could do worse than cast their net the way of the Boks coach
who will be looking for a new job after this World Cup. Seems to me
like the guy knows his stuff. And apparently he loves the New Zealand
rugby culture.

Won't happen. I know that. Doesn't mean it shouldn't.

My blood are green #2

2007-10-19T08:26:00.001+02:00

one of the best things about having select readership is that I can totally plagiarize other peoples stuff wihtout getting into trouble!

England doesn't deserve to win the Rugby World Cup because it is, in fact, a crap country. Its population comprises of a bunch of poms with skew teeth; a wrinkly old queen housing a really stupid accent, and who presumably smells like mothballs; and skin white enough to make Omo proud. The remaining 90% of its population is Pakistani and Chinese (whose native countries can't even play rugby, probably because they're also crap).

"England" is such a ridiculously dumb name; I mean, it doesn't even provide a hint as to where on the planet it might potentially be located. At least with "South Africa", you're provided with a head start. (Unless, of course, you're American; in which case, you'll understandably need a few more clues.)

Unlike England's rugby team, which is more commonly known as "England", our country's rugby team has a damn cool alias: "the Springboks". It has pride; it has balls; and most importantly, it doesn't sound gay. Note that the "British Lions" is something different. Which, by the way, is additional evidence that they're a shitty nation, since the best the limeys can do is to include an African animal in their pseudonym. I suspect it's directly a result of "British Colonials" or "British Queens" sounding about as domineering as Thabo Mbeki's stance on Zimbabwe.

Furthermore, Johnny Wilkinson (who never smiles, possibly due to his skew teeth) always looks like he needs to fart, before he kicks a penalty. That, and he resembles Heath Ledger. (Who is Australian because his English forefathers were imprisoned there. Hence Australia being unbelievably kak at rugby.)

Finally, we have biltong. They have peanuts and raisins. (The latter being for the more daring mavericks).

My blood are green #1

2007-10-19T08:25:00.001+02:00

Cast your mind back four years. Dolf Straueli had butchered the Springbok jersey into a lotto handout, and SARU did their best with their 'My blood is green' campaign. Kamp Staaldraad was an embarrasment never recovered, and poor Corne Krige had to pretend like he thought the coach knew what he was doing. Geo and Quintin didn't quite gel as roomies either. Hardly outplayed by eventual champions England (they needed a charge down by Will Greenwood to put them out of reach) we succumbed to tournament favourites New Zealand in the quarters.

What a difference four years of consistency makes, but it looks like a bizarre form of tall poppy syndrome will have Jake on his way out by monday morning, win or lose. I heard it earlier in the season that we have to win this game, as it might be the last chance we ever get. Lets hope the ANCYL and Bhutana Khompela and as dumb as they seem.

you wanna put that thing where?

2007-10-12T02:43:00.000+02:00

You know who I’m talking about. He drives a green VW Polo, black Arnette sunnies glued to forehead and despite working in some finance position spends more time on the ‘book than on the books. About the car, there’s a really big white canoe thing permanently on the roof (is it bolted on?) with the ubiquitous ‘Men’s Health’ stickers. They’re out there in their hundreds (with maybe different yet similar cars and sunnies) and there’s more coming.

In a bizarre twist, they actually like using these things in the sou’easter. Maybe it has something to do with downwind races being the best ones, but the season runs from October to April. Of course most of the derision is from the damn Men’s Health sticker pasted all over them. When you sing up for the series, you gotta paste one on your boat. Now having done a fair amount of events this year, I’ve had my share of goodie bags. That translates into lots of Tastic Basmati rice, magnesium tablets, Arnica samples and too many back issues of Men’s Health magazines (I’m still wondering about the appetite suppressing toothpaste I got for totalsports challenge).

(rant)Men’s Health is essentially Cosmopolitan with the requisite chromosomes swapped. Despite the size of the volume, the copy is dateless. This is basically because they say the same regurgitated stuff month in month out, and of course there’s always some way to ‘get better abs’. I don’t know how the subscribers haven’t clicked onto this yet and formed a protest of sorts. I’d actually be wary of anyone who admits willingly paying for this rubbish on a yearly basis.(/rant)

So following the tried and trusted beat ‘em/join ‘em maxim, I scoured the peninsula for a bargain ski. I even went to the trouble of making everyone enter a magazine competition for me. I figured it’s a buyer’s market in winter and had a few criteria to follow: stable+fast+cheap+good condidtion+adjustable.
Now adjustable is very important, as it helps for resale value and you can lend it out to people with different leg lengths.

I got the buyer’s market theory thing a bit wrong, and had to throw out the adjustable and tone down the stable requirements. And of course I never put looks into it (pity, that). In the end I picked one up from gumtree, go poke around and see how much it cost me if you want. Good news is she’s a Fenn, and even a Mako at that. She’s quite, um err, unique..and in need of a name. suggestions welcome

Howlett takes tomfoolery to a new level

2007-10-11T15:22:00.001+02:00

It's time to break the silence on that little tournament going on in France. I heard one of the funniest things ever on saturday..Hard man Jerry Collins being compared with a chocolate..the 'Top Deck'. Speaking of the world's best, they gone and it is ours for the taking, but they really do everything at 100%.

All Black star Doug Howlett's Tuesday-morning arrest by London police has been put into perspective after it was revealed that the winger and some of his Kiwi team-mates racked up a whopping £12,500 bar tab at Heathrow's Hilton Hotel.

According to London's Daily Telegraph newspaper, Howlett and some of his All Blacks team-mates - who were knocked out of the World Cup by France at the weekend - had been in the hotel's foyer bar for some time, where they racked up their monstrous bill.

Howlett - the leading try-scorer in New Zealand's Test history - allegedly then went outside where damage was done to two cars.

One Hilton Hotel staff member - who refused to be named - told the Telegraph: "There were about five to seven players drinking in the bar. They looked as if they were pretty down in the dumps after they lost and they ran up £12,500 bar bill over several hours.

"It wasn't just them, it was other members of the squad as well and it included food.

"They were behaving themselves while they were in the bar, but then for some reason, a couple of them decided to go outside and that was where it all kicked off.

"I heard they were bouncing up and down on several cars parked just outside the hotel and that was when we phoned the police."

Howlett was arrested in the early hours of Tuesday morning, before being released on bail. He will be allowed to return to New Zealand only once the conditions of his bail have been met.

To his credit, however, Howlett owned up to everything, labelling it as "tomfoolery" gone wrong.

*********************

Ok seriously now, this looks a little bit spiced up, but join me in a little maths lesson with some forex thrown in.

12 500 British pounds = 174 491.863 South African rands

(i just typed in '12500 pounds in rands' in google search line...try it!)

They say 5-7 members of the team, plus a few more..lets put it at 15.

They say they had a bit of food, lets throw some bar snacks in, pretzels, burgers, slapchips.. sorry, FRENCH fries. These are big boys, maybe woodcock was there, put them all down for R2000 worth of food each.

Remember london is expensive, lets be ridiculous and put it at R200/drink (hard to get steinlager that far from christchurch).

so now to add up

175000-

30 000 (2 grand worth of grub each)

= 145000/R200 (price per drink)

725/15 (squad members there)

= 48 drinks/8 (they had been there..sometime)

=6 drinks per hour (piece of piss, really)

So that's all doable, just average it out so the big boozers (ie. all the maoris) could be making up for the pretty boy pansies (ie. carter/kelleher)

The bike sunscreen song

2007-10-11T08:21:00.001+02:00

this got pulled off some site, i can't remember where...if you can look past the novelty value, it's quite relevant

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own wobbly experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and ability of your body. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and ability of your body until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fast you really were. You are not as slow as you imagine.

Don't worry about the missed training. Or trying to catch up, but know that catching up is as effective as trying to run before you can walk. The real troubles on your bike are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you with 2 minutes to go on the start line.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Train.

Don't be reckless with your bike. Don't put up with people who are reckless with theirs

Rest.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember the encouragement you receive. Forget the pain. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old bikes. Throw away your old tyres.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know how to ride. The best riders I know didn't know at day 1 how to unclip. Some of the most skilled riders still fall off.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll crash, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll win, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll complete the Epic at 40, maybe you'll ride until you are 90. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest engine you'll ever own.

Sprint, even if you have nowhere to do it but your driveway.

Know the road signals, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read nutritional advice. It will only make you feel guilty.

Get to know your club members. You never know when they'll stop to help. Be nice to your fellow riders. They're your best chance of finishing and the people most likely to stick with you to the end.

Understand that form comes and goes, but a strong base is something to hold on to. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you will wish that you made the effort to get out there.

Ride on the road, but turn off before you die of boredom. Ride single track, but leave before it you get addicted.

Drink water.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Bikes will get better. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, bikes were cheaper and children still rode bikes in the streets.

Respect your age.

Don't expect anyone else to push you. Maybe you have a race physic. Maybe you'll have a race weight bike. But you never know when either one might come unstuck.

Don't put too much in your pockets or on your back, or by the time you head out you will look like a beached whale.

Be careful whose bikes you buy, but be patient with those who supply them. Advice is a form of sales. Dispensing it is a way of managing the stock, embellishing it, glancing over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Even Thabo's on the book

2007-10-09T13:47:00.001+02:00

okay, i know, another post on the 'book...but hey you saw it here first. I was friends with 6 Robert Mugabe's at once, but delted a few who where clearly fakes.